sometimes you assign some people a certain role in your life. you expect them to act in a particular way, and most of the time, they do. so they kinda stay in the little box you want them to stay in. but sometimes, things are not so simple. cuz they are people and they too obviously have their own way of thinking and they do what they want to do, which may not always correspond with what you want them to do. so then you are surprised, shocked whatever, and maybe then you decide that you dont know this person as well as you thought and you are afraid that maybe because you dont know the person that well, you wouldnt know what their next move would be. you wouldnt know that the next thing they do might be something that hurts you. you become scared. and then you want to run away. or they may do things that you dont like them doing and then suddenly you decide that maybe you dont like this person anymore or maybe you dont like this group of people anymore. and then you start to distance yourself, unwilling to know more. perhaps if you knew more, the good might outweigh the bad? perhaps if you knew more you might find that the stuff you like outweighs the stuff you dont like? maybe you ought to give people chances. and stop running away. learn that not everything goes your way. learn to accept others too for their shortcomings. of course you have a choice of not accepting them, they dont need to be accepted by you per se anyway, you are the only one who really minds. so get over yourself.

i'm learning to.

if a man had a house, a big house but no family to return home to, what would he need the big house for? wouldnt he be really lonely? if a man had a family but chose to come to them only once in awhile, did it mean he didnt love them? if a man was inconsiderate, would he choose to struggle to get them what he thought they wanted? yet, if a man was considerate, would he not know what they truly wanted? would he force upon them something they didnt really want? but maybe the man did not think he was forcing it on them. maybe the man only wanted the best for them. where has the man gone wrong? yet maybe the man thought the way he did because of a certain wish expressed eons ago. maybe the man does not realize that ideals change over time. maybe his family is confused as to what they want, even as the man is working toward what they used to want. if a man wanted the best for his family, but only if things went his way. is the man really selfish? or is it just that he wants the best for everybody, himself included? in that case, the man is doing no wrong, after all, he only lives once, much as he may want his family to be happy, he himself wants a slice of happiness as well. don't blame the man.

wouldnt everybody be happier if we were all cavemen? what do we need technology for if it divides? what do we need advances for if all it does is create wars as to who should claim what credit?

WHAT credit anyway? can you bring credit to your grave? or fame or fortune or whatnot? isn't happiness more important? but happiness is built on material comfort. or is it so? if we truly had happiness, would we still need material comfort to fill the emptiness?

it still comes back to this: you cant unknow, unfeel stuff. just as how you cant unpaint a wall. or unplant a tree. the best you can do is to paint over, or chop down the tree. but something has changed. something is lost in the process. that something may be the key.

we are all funny creatures. we want what we cant have and we dont want what we have. we take for granted what we have till the day it's gone and then we mourn its loss regretfully. we covet what we dont have till the day we have it, and then we dont want it anymore. what kind of warped twisted mindset is that? 5:07:00 PM