saw a kid this morning, he was bashing his head against his hands, hard. and he was wearing a helmet. i think it's a disorder of some sort. and it made me stop short. he was with his mom, and my heart went out to them. to the little boy who is ill, to the mother who didnt expect this.

out of the window was a little baby, perfectly sweet, perfectly formed, perfectly divine. and i wondered what went on inside the mom's head as she saw that sweet little child. did she feel resentment? injustice? wistfulness? envy? i wondered.

finally watched harry potter. i want to fly on broomsticks. 8:30:00 PM

sometimes, it doesnt mean that writing emo stuff is the same as being emo. sometimes its just that at the particular time of blogging, you feel emo, but once you talk to someone you change your perspective. sometimes moods are affected by books, reading. sometimes when a person blogs, it may not be about his/her own situation but rather about someone else, or about a character in a book, a plot, but it may seem just as real. sometimes emo-ness may arise as a result of a sad story, or as a result of thoughts about the world in general provoked by that book or situation. sometimes. sometimes it doesnt matter to go up and down. to have fluctuating moods. it's not that bad.

chill la.

silliness. haha.

and i finished another book that's not bad. starting on jostein gardner's books in a bid to read a lil philosophy in story form. =) been reading brainless romantic stories for a little too long, which is all very well, but when it comes down to it, is pretty brainless la. haha.

i'm so excited about harry!! and getting out of this room where i've been cooped with the darned project. hahaha.

'Like do you know she has six smiles? One when something really makes her laugh. One when she's making plans. One when she is laughing out of politeness. One when she is uncomfortable. One when she is making fun of herself. And one when... she's talking about her friends.'
'You have five smiles Pete. One when you think someone's an idiot. One when you think someone's REALLY an idiot. One when you're singing to Barry White. One when you're getting all dressed up. And one when you're looking at me. ' 12:11:00 PM

sometimes i feel smaller than an ant. like i'm going to suffocate in the fluffiness of this big white marshmallow ball that exists in my head. and i cant even push it away cuz its too soft, and all i succeed in doing is making a little dent that soon bounces back out.

and the ball just keeps knocking me down, over and over and over.

i desperately need to get out. i need to smell the sea. i need to cycle. i need the speed. the rush. the wind. the air. the space. it brings so much comfort you couldnt imagine. and yea i know. this is but a small setback. but you dont know that these small setbacks have been setting me back for so so long. so many many times. i might snap. it brings endless grief to know that i can never be good enough. for i've been proven to not be good enough for 8 years. 8 fucking years. and counting. cause for cursing i would say.

each time i think i could do better this time. and each time i crash, like falling from the second floor. each time a few bones break. when will that final vital bone holding everything together break which will cause me to fall apart. 9:54:00 AM

i wish i had an older brother who would hug me and tell me it would all be all right. so i could feel safe. safer.

i wish i was young again, so i could crawl into my daddy's lap and he'd stroke my hair and the world would seem all beautiful.

Tears catch in my throat,
Unrevealed misery,
Hidden beneath a coat,
Cold and dreary.

The fine needle-like drops of rain,
on skin, they sting,
Bringing tiny frissions of cold pain,
icy, chilling.

sweet innocence,
all wide eyed curiosity,
exploring hands, and
piercing cries.

Inviting cuddling arms,
and soothing songs,
How...
envy-provoking. 10:07:00 PM

been feeling awfully nostalgic of late, which i guess is apparent from the things i've suddenly started to miss so so much. i dont know why it is that now, of all times, these bits and pieces come back to me, coax me into dreamland with their brightly coloured landscapes and vibrant sounds. did i ever feel so happy as i imagine i must have felt in the past? when did it all slip by? i'm not old yet, but already i feel a sense of loss, of times that cannot be relived, of the clock that cannot be turned back. somehow, i cant seem to remember quite so clearly anymore the pain, and all that prevails is the bright laughter. the joyful sounds.

the number of days left to this vacation is swiftly dwindling. soon, it'll be back to the hectic pace. not that it isnt now, but the feelings of idleness, the languid mornings spent daydreaming, staring out of the window, the tennis sessions, will disappear from the foreground for awhile i guess. time flies in university. it's like living in a different time warp from the rest of the world, such that the lapses, the periods are measured not against our own standards, but another. while we have our vacations, people are still at school. in the middle of our vacation, their vacations start. give it another month, school starts for them, and ours start a little later. then at the end of the year, its the other way around and their vacations kick off first. time passes exceptionally fast when it's broken down into smaller divisions. you feel like you are just taking a short break, but you've wiled away a few weeks being idle, doing nothing much. then you think you'll wait for something else to come along and before you know it, another few weeks have lapsed.

i dont know where i'm going with this, but i do wish it could slow down.

you know, i dont blame anymore. i still feel regret though. perhaps. some things could have happened differently. sometimes i wonder where it is indeed that i'm headed toward. what it is i want. but i cant come up with an answer. sometimes i know i'm greedy, but is that not human nature? to want? to want too much in fact.

i denounce qualities in some. yet i display them myself. i chastise, but commit the same disgrace. i wonder. i'm a wide twisting irony.

the nostalgia keeps on hitting me in waves. not a bad thing really, for i dont feel sad or anything like that. i just find myself missing a lot of things a lot of times.

some things you just know. sometimes, a lot of times, all the time, we judge people. but it depends on the person. some people we know are not nice, not perfect, but we like them all the same. some people we know are pretty good, almost perfect, but we dislike them all the same. a person one likes, can be excused a hundred and one times for a hundred and one reasons. but a person one dislikes can be exiled for no good reason. that's how it is. no?

people judge. it's basic human nature. it would, of course be a lot easier if there were some standard of the judgements to go by. but no, there is no fixed boundary, no ideal, for it differs from person to person. so you never know.

it's pretty odd when you think about it, that you can think you know a person so well, but you dont really at all. when a sudden revelation hits you and you realize how it is that this person had so many other sides you could not fathom, so many secrets, so many thoughts behind that front. truth is, probably nobody ever ever lets others see behind the mask fully. saw this verse and liked it:

Could you let down your hair and be transparent for a while.
Just a little while, see if your human after all.
Honesty is a hard attribute to find.

and ain't it so true.

i want, i really really want to see the northern lights. it's probably going to be my life's biggest goal.

and the snippets keep on coming back. as if i'm not sentimental enough already. 4:50:00 PM

listen, in silence. sometimes it's difficult to keep your mouth shut, keep your comments, judgements, your own anecdotes, your experiences to yourself. but sometimes you gotta try, because the person may be more in need of some plain listening.


pardon me, i've just finished a book, yes in the midst of preparing for my CA, i couldnt help it, the book was good. haha. i highly recommend books by isla dewar. but it's difficult to choose not to speak. sometimes i guess living in a whole different world inside your head can have its own appeal. sometimes you want to chime in. but hold back, for it heals. sometimes, it does wonders.


and i saw the cutest thing today, LOOK!

and here's another:

she's a real crawler, a blur of arms and legs covering distances, and i was so surprised when she stood up and started to walk, albeit haltingly, but awww. it was so sweet. =)

and i've been addicted to this song:

He finally gave in to his friend's girlfriend
when she said "there's someone you should meet"
At a crowded restaurant way cross town,
he waited impatiently

When she walked in,
their eyes met,
And they both stared
Right there and then,
Everyone else disappeared,

but One boy, one girl,
Two hearts beating wildly,
To put it mildly,
it was love at first sight.
He smiled, she smiled,
and they knew right away
This was the day they'd been waiting for all their lives.
For a moment the whole world
Revolved around one boy,
and one girl

In no time at all,
they were standing there
in the front of a little church
Among their friends and family,
repeating those sacred words.
The preacher said
"son, kiss your bride"
And he raised her veil
Like the night they met,
Time just stood still,

He was holding her hand when the doctor looked up and grinned,
"Congratulations, twins"

One boy, one girl
Two hearts beating wildly
To put it mildly,
it was love at first sight.
He smiled, she smiled,
and they knew right away
This was the day they'd been waiting for all their lives,
And for a moment the whole world,
Revolved around one boy,
and one girl.

One Boy, One girl
-Collin Raye

8:21:00 PM

wheeeee~ the zebrafish insert showed up in my sample, so i can put down my worry for awhile. i'm so relieved, i can laugh =) 10:33:00 PM

hey i think i'm a little smarter, not a lot just a little. i think i'm a little more alert, and i guess i can tell some things better than before.

i wont fall for it.

burning bridges with unimportant people, pui. haha, pui times ten.

i want to watch 'hairy potter' hahaha. 12:27:00 AM

i love tennis and yakult and tic tacs. =) 10:51:00 PM

hahaha hilarious things always happen. i took a bus this morning and was stoning cuz anyway i was supposed to get off at the terminal. so there i was stoning and i didn't realize that we'd reached and apparently bus mirrors have blind spots too, so the bus uncle thought nobody else was left on the bus, and wanted to park. = . = happened that a bus uncle was outside and saw me, so he waved at the driver. only then i realized. hahaa. imagine how he must have thought i was a bimbo (quoting chian wen) hahaha. 7:57:00 PM

i miss the thought-provoking conversations with weecheng.
i miss the 'freeze and melt' we used to play in school.
i miss Mdm Tan and her ill-disguised kindness.
i miss mrs heng and her softball sessions.
i miss playing on the beach with my daddy and my little sis and mom.
i miss my maternal grandma.
i miss visits to grandma's house.
i miss playing on seesaws.
i miss disturbing the mimosa plants on my way to school.
i miss playing on the swing set in primary school.
i miss rollerblading with jingyi.
i miss recesses with erica.
i miss my rollerblades.
i miss the lunchboxes my mom used to prepare. they used to be really yummy. =P
i miss being easily impressed.
i miss excursions to the most retarded and boring places that we'll all get so excited about cuz we get to miss school.
i miss chinese lessons and laughing ourselves silly, best friend.
i even miss my accident prone nature that led to countless scrapes and pain and tears. and my mom's immense worry each time it happens =X.
i miss the small sense of pride when i fall and dont cry, and act like it doesnt hurt when it bloody did. haha.
i miss being able to act tough and yet have people see through me.
i miss art club.
i miss the monkey bars and being monkeys on it.
i miss not caring even if i sit in a non ladylike way cuz i'm too young to care and there's nobody worth bothering about around to see anyway.
i miss PE and winning those trophies on sports days.
i miss the inane jokes.
i miss the absurd joy we get at having a day off from school.
i miss the awe derived from the simplest things, only i didnt think them simple then. everything was fascinating.

taking a trip down memory lane, and these things are never coming back. moving on to the phase where there is no uniform, no rules (or less at least) and where the new people you meet dont really hold hands and look out for each other anymore.

i miss taking up the pistol and adjusting the sighting.
i miss aiming and shooting. i miss pulling back the target card and seeing a 9 or occassionally a 10.
i miss getting great scores on practice days.
i miss the exhilaration when that happens.
i miss telling myself i can do better on a bad day.
i miss the approval on a card well shot.
i miss the adrenaline rush which comes in a 'competitive shootout'.
i miss hanging out at the range.
i miss the camaraderie.
i miss the teasing of the smelliness of rifle people's suits, even when they are not really.
i miss. a lot a lot a lot. 2:41:00 PM

it's long past
the period of regret.
but that tinge
of envy, of guilt, of...
emotions that linger.

that surface
with a sentence read,
a line spoken.
rejection, betrayal
never felt so trivial

as now,
as calamities befall,
two persons not so close,
yet go through crises
i'd wish on noone.

everything pales
in the face of death.

talk to the wind
and dance to the rain.
admire the rainbows
let fascination override
and innocence prevail.
for what use is there

in hiding raw emotions.

live.
in the limited time
preset for us
by powers beyond us. 8:31:00 AM

it's times like these that i feel quite ashamed of myself. cuz while i'm worrying over trivial things, there are so much bigger things out there. so many problems that are more severe. hope grace gets well soon, that's all i can do, pray that she gets well soon, with minimal repercussions.. 10:27:00 PM

there are two sides to every story.

and in a limited space, everybody's paths inevitably cross at least once in a lifetime, even if we never know it at first. and a rare chance comes when some people's paths cross twice. and that's how we find our friends. 11:30:00 PM

and even the worst people have good sides. so stop comdemning. especially when the person/people condemned are not even the worst. why not try and find some uses for all that sarcasm. why not try and channel the hostility elsewhere? why not try and find a silver lining? why not try some encouragement because everyone feels bad about it? why rub salt into the wound? why act self righteous? forgive people for how do you know what goes on behind the scenes? you never try to understand or find out anyway. you've alrdy exiled the person/people into a place too far for you to reach.

so many emotions, so many layers to peel back, so much animosity, so many misunderstandings, so much left unsaid.

i'm well and truly lost.

i wanted to conclude with '爱屋及乌', but i guess maybe i think too highly of somethings, some people, i guess maybe i think too highly of myself, maybe i rank some things too high, maybe all is not what i thought. maybe at the end of the day, i'm really the only silly one holding all these unsubstantial things in high respect while it's all thrash to all else involved.

so i guess not. 11:06:00 PM

sometimes... it's really tiring to be so conscious of what others think. to care so much. 11:04:00 PM