well well. i might have created a misunderstanding in the previous post. as of now, i hate nobody and will not hate anybody. at the most, i will dislike that person intensely. in any case, if there has been any misunderstanding as to who this person is that i don't want to be forced to hate, (ie, i don't hate him but he is forcing me to do so through his actions) he is from NUS. but not in science. so yea. don't jump to conclusions.

i'm going on hiatus. abstinence from the computer for two weeks. other than work of course. so tata. take care. =) 11:23:00 PM

well it's been ages since i blogged, and the tagboard has deserted me yet again. ah well. not that it matters. life has been hectic and i'm trying really hard to concentrate on studies.

sometimes i forget. when i do, please forgive me. i'm sorry.

you have made things quite quite irreparable. do you know what you have done? don't make me hate you. i really don't want to. thanks.

saw ruixin and pauline on seperate occasions. it seems aeons ago since i worked at starhub. since all these things happened after that. i feel detached from my life. who is living it? is it me? who am i? is there an alternate universe where i am not me? where i write with my left hand and start with my right leg. where i sleep on my front, not on my back. where i meet all the right guys. is that why in this universe i'm not meeting them? because i've had my turn on the other side?

Dear lord, please give me strength, please grant me the perseverance and determination to pull through and hang on. i know i may not be always faithful and trusting in you. i'm sorry, please forgive me, but give me time lord, i'm trying. Please protect all the people i know. please keep them safe and happy. and please dear lord, please help me be a better person. in jesus name i pray. Amen. 10:53:00 PM

i don't know what to do about my grades. each time i express concern about them, the standard answer is either that i can do it, or not to worry because i will do better next semester. these answers do not help me. i guess there is no correct answer. but all the same, i wish someone could help me out. i'm really really scared. i have resolved not to do anything or think about anything other than studies for now. i will still go where i said i will go. once a week will not kill me. maybe it will give me the support i've always needed but never got. maybe it will become a source of strength for me. i cannot say. but i will know soon enough.

i kind of blame you. in a way. i shouldn't i guess. i could have made my own decisions and stuck to them. true. but there had been the pressure to make certain decisions. and even if i say i don't, in my heart, i do blame you. at least in part.

stop invading my thoughts ok? maybe i should stop watching drama serials. i always end up crying at night.

i hate that i cannot keep my thoughts to myself. sometimes... i succeed in not messaging you. i succeed in burying you in the deep dark corners. i want to be friends. really. but i know i have to give it time. so i stay away from you. but when you message me, i can't help but reply you. sometimes i can't help but say some stuff i shouldn't say. and when i do say them, you disappear abruptly. sometimes you disappear even when i haven't said anything wrong. do you do that on purpose? why?

thank you for being understanding. i hope you mean it. take care. 9:52:00 PM

my birthday has come and gone. christmas has come and gone. new year has come and gone as well. if i were to have any new year resolutions, it would be for me to work harder. but then making a resolution never works because nobody, or at least i never follow through with it. so all i'm going to do is promise myself the very same thing and make sure i bloody do it. sorry for swearing.

looking through the pictures, looking through your pictures, i wish i was at that time, that place. i wish i was back at pulau aur once again.

remember the first day i saw you? that was the day i was impressed you knew my name. apparently you checked it out beforehand. you said 'pay attention, amelia' and i stopped short and took a second look at you. did i know you?! but i knew i didn't. then came theory lessons and pool sessions. all the while, i kept asking you questions about the dive trip. questions my mom posted to me. and remember how you came to have my msn? cuz you said it was cheaper. i was so embarrassed cuz i had asked so many questions. well.

pool sessions. that was when i waved hi. you looked like i had sprouted wings. and i felt maybe i had grown horns. i don't know why i waved. but then after the initial stunnedness, you smiled. i smiled back. you trained two girls who'd shown up late and were from my group, and i felt a slight slight pang of sour, somewhere within me. i didn't know where then. but now maybe... it was my heart. There i sat, listening to jaws with yuxin and ling ee and dx. and i laughed at the right places, and did the things i was supposed to do. but all the time, you wreaked havoc in my thoughts and stayed within my line of vision. even though i made it less obvious, and so you were only on the peripheral. you know how sometimes in cartoons, an individual has an angel and a demon sitting on either shoulder? that was how i felt. but it wasn't so pronounced. not yet. all i had was a crazy impossible crush you understand. but all the same, at the end of each session, i lingered just a little longer at the pool, if only to see if you'd gone or were still there. i thought maybe i could say goodbye before leaving. but to no avail. you said you'd packed my dive bag, and i'd like to think that you'd purposely included the newer and prettier pieces because it was for me. but then again. maybe it was my imagination.

you wrote a letter on behalf of the dive club for me to the french lecturer. do you remember? he was being a jerk and didn't want to let me change my lecture slot. even though i couldn't make it for my slot as it clashed with the leaving time of the dive trip. i didn't want to miss it as it was a language module and those are difficult to catch up on. he insisted on a letter of authentication and declaration of why i could not attend. so you wrote a letter to him for me and requested a change of slot. thank you. i still have it in my mailbox. i never deleted it.

on that friday, waiting for the bus to come, you were like a bee, flitting around everywhere, checking all the stuff. i felt like a housefly when i spoke to you. but before that though, i had arrived early. and you were eating with your dive mates. i was the only newbie. you were the only one i knew. it felt wierd. but somehow, i wanted to be there. at least for awhile. for awhile at least, i had you to 'myself' not literally of course, but well. since you were the only one i knew, you were kinf of obligated to talk to me. haha.

on the bus to the boat ride, you talked to everybody. everybody except me. yuxin and ling ee, they could have touched my disappointment i think. it was that palpable. haha. then we reached the gas station. you know? you spoke so little to me at that time, that i can even kind of remember every conversation we had. and it was more than 3 months ago. me with my dory memory, it's unbelievable that i can even remember. but there you go. i do. i remember those retarded one liners. you said 'dx is fast' moving on to talk about how he was after yuxin and it was so obvious that not only he but a few unknown seniors had also noticed. then we split and went back to our respective 'cliques' but that 5 second conversation had me grinning like the sun had just come up in the middle of the night. then i tried to reach for a magazine. which, was embarrassingly out of my reach. i heard whispered conversation along the lines of: get it for her la. and lots of laughs. was it for you? or was it for someone else? i don't know. but i quickly backed down and got ling ee to reach for it for me. thank goodness she got it. haha. i hadn't wanted to buy that magazine you know. i only wanted to see. but then... i had already embarrassed myself like that, so i couldn;t not get it now. darn.

the boat trip that night was one of the most beautiful things i had ever experienced in my life. the stars were so low i felt i could grab a handful if i reached out. and the shooting stars were visible. it was so cloudless. it was a miracle i witnessed it. perhaps that night, we sailed close to the edge of the world. because i felt like if i stood up straight, the top of my head would touch the sky. the stars were so big it was unreal. and they filled every inch of the inky sky, making a picturesque blanket of twinkling eyes. at first, everyone was up there and it felt like a fish market. everybody was talking. me? i preferred to keep my silence and just feel the breeze. just enjoy the view, just tune in sometimes to what was going on, if i wanted to. i felt like a visitor. but not in the usual unpleasant way. i felt like i was a ghost and it didn;t matter what anybody did. i was free on my own. it felt wonderful. then it got colder and most went down to catch some sleep. all that was left was my group of four. me, ling ee, yuxin and dx. then you and boon kiat came up. although you sat on the other end. but i felt happier. the wind just got more and more biting. but it was so nice that we refused to leave and give it up. you seldom get an experience like that after all. boon kiat sat in front of my sleeping form to block out the cold. that much i know. thanks. you told me how he had a good impression of me. and i was flattered. but really, i was more disappointed. because the person who had a good impression was not you.

then we arrived at aur. saturday. slept for a few hours. when we awoke, 9 am. all through the day, i hoped for a chance to talk to you. all i had were snatches of conversation. when you were suiting up. and i was going for lunch. it seemed there was no fate at all. all the time i was coming up and you were going down. i was going for meals, and you'd already finished. then came dinner. i wasnt hungry. perhaps i had not gotten used to the sea, i had a headache, and i couldn't eat. the smoke threatened to smother me. and i needed air. so i escaped to the benches near the sea. after awhile, who should come wandering to the jetty but you. you teased the cat and walked out onto the jetty. and i couldn't very well follow, so i just watched you. then i went to get the comfort food you had asked for jokingly. when i gave it to you, you said you didn't want it. and again, i was embarrassed. but then, you, having walked away, you turned back again and took it from me. on second thought. you'd decided you wanted it. and i laughed. but still i was embarrassed. and disappointed. that you hadn't wanted it. you liked it in the end. and i was glad for that small thing i did that made you smile.

at the end of the day, there was that theory test. you walked past and noticed me rubbing the spot behind my ear. where there seemed to be a bruise that didn;t quite seem like a bruise. you asked me if i was ok. thank you for asking. thank you for noticing. thank you for caring.

sunday. remember how you were polishing your camera? then you rubbed off the silicon on me. thanks a lot. haha. i acted all annoyed. but it was pretty funny. boys irritate girls they like don't they? =)

then came the time when we had to leave aur. on the boat, you were talking to this girl all the time, i didn't know her name. i thought you liked her. so i backed off. but all the time... i felt... a bit sad. just a BIT. i hadn't even realized you were on the same boat until after half the trip or something. where had you been hiding out before?!

well. back to singapore. back to the real life. you made a call to someone the moment we reached back. yuxin said she felt you had a girlfriend. i didn't know. but your friendster said in a relationship. so i had to assume. and i felt sad again. haha. another little bit.

then there were the msn conversations. sometimes they were nice and long, like old friends, sometimes they were curt. sometimes you felt like telling me everything, and other times you had to study. all the time, i struggled with my own problems with him, and you helped me to reason out with myself. you helped me to see his point of view where you could. sometimes it seemed you were on his side. sometimes i felt disappointed when you seemed to think it was all my fault. but really, you did help.sometimes our msns were flirty, sometimes serious. there was once you disappeared. for almost two weeks. you were doing your term paper. but i missed your msn presence. you never failed to say hi to me if you saw me. i went online in the hopes of seeing you.

it was still just a crush. really. it's ok to have crushes even when you are attached. so i've been told. it felt really wrong though.

this went on for maybe a month. then i broke up. i didn't want to feel wrong anymore. it had felt wrong. even if you hadn't been there, it would have felt wrong. you were not the reagent. you were not the competing substrate. you were only the enzyme. so i decided it had to end.

I was not certain if I was making the right decision, but I trusted that I was and I hoped it was the right choice to make. Breaking up. You know how the show I’m watching right now, the lead actress seemed to have this curse put upon her, like her boyfriends could never last beyond three months? That’s how it felt for me. And if I had held on, I had a feeling it probably wouldn’t have ended so soon. But I wasn’t happy. So I stuck to my decision. I cried so much that day you know? You knew I was upset, but I refused to tell you why. In the end, you still found out. And you came to look for me in the evening. At 11. I was surprised. Pleasantly surprised actually, but there was an element of shock as well. You listened to me, you watched me cry uncontrollably. You stayed quiet while I blamed myself. Then at the end, you told me it wasn’t my fault, you counseled me. Kind of. You made me feel better about myself. Not quite so bitchy. Then you told me that when I’d cried, you too, had shed a tear. And I was moved. No guy had ever cried because of me, or for me before. I’d always been the one doing all the crying.

You gave me the first gift that night. It was a funny gift. Totally out of point, but all the same, in point. So illogical, but so right. Thank you for that.

It was already November. November, the one month of true contentedness that I found out actually existed in the world.

November. Freudian slips. Precious moments. Marina square. Ice cream. Esplanade. Walks. The beach. Cycling. Parkway. Vanilla. Sweetness. Great world city. NUS. Subway. Library. Camaraderie(that between you and me, that between you and my friends). Unexpected gestures. Kind moves. Encouraging words. Daydreaming. Hearts racing. A shoulder to lean on. Swings. Common. Coincidences. Uncanny. Cedele. Carrot cake. Green tea. Coffee. French. Passwords. Carry. Laughs(lots of them). Ariel. Little mermaid. Vivien. Guess bag. Secrets. Complaints. Church. God. Bus rides. Freezing theatres. Warmth. Msn. Dinner. Ask out. Shyness. Embarrassment. Questions. Answers. Philosophy. Life. Relativity. Absolute. Love. Vices. Trust. Invisible ink. Play. Send home. Wait. Plaza Singapura. River. Ghosts. Scare. Laughter. Crowds. Jokes. Bully. White lies. Mind reading.

And then it all ended. To tell the truth, I knew it couldn’t last. And I knew why. I just thought maybe we could have had more time. But more time would have proved to be worse I guess.

Maybe it’s not for good. Maybe one day it will all come back. Maybe I should give up. Maybe I know that but am not willing to without first trying. So there. 6:11:00 PM