sometimes,

personality tests are just a way for lousy people to convince themselves that they are not as lousy as they are based on the results of the test which will apparently be an 'accurate' analysis of themselves.

it's fine when it's all done in the name of fun. but please. get real. it's the real world. talking about 'personality tests' in the real world only makes yourself seem more stupid than you already are. wake up. stop depending on people. on the reputations of others to help yourself. one day you'll fall so hard and you will never get up, because you never had any real potential to speak of. all you ever had was a false front. stop being a coward and come out of hiding. for goodness sake, stop making use of people. honestly? i cant be bothered whether or not you die. but i do care about the person you are making use of. it pisses me off. so do us all a big favour and disappear. it'll probably the best thing you've ever done. you won't be missed. 12:24:00 AM

i want THE prada specs. 9:37:00 PM

angry-ness. angst-ful. piss-ified. antagonism. resentment. agitated-ness. frustration.

darn. you. all. 1:16:00 AM

i finished the show! whee. love luo zhi xiang.

so anyway, please stop me from saying things if you don't want them to come true, because apparently i'm a 'jinx', or your lucky star, depending on which way you look at it. hahaha. vivien i'm so sorry what i said came true. but it did! hahahhaa. and how many other things have i said in passing that so happened to come true shorly after?? oh well. call me Miss 'Master Leong'. hahahhaa. 12:01:00 PM

to add:

everybody is a son of someone, a husband of someone or a boyfriend of someone.
and hence every single person has a role, has someone depending on him, has someone waiting for him.

and..

everyone is waiting for someone. 1:06:00 AM

whoa. where did all the days go. busy busy busy. french tq french tq tests tests tests. my goodness. so swamped. initially had a lot of stuff to say, but apparently forgot them all. oh well, they'll come back.

interestingly, the guest lecturer for forensic today was a high court judge. his nickname: poker face. but looking at him in class you wouldn't have guessed. he was funny, and witty and silly all at once.

i can't decide if one should marry a lawyer. on one hand, marrying a lawyer means you always lose arguments (naturally). on the other hand, marrying a lawyer means you probably get a witty partner, since they are smart with words. i have yet to find a lawyer who isn't funny in his free time. haha.

then again, for professionals dealing with crime, i guess you have to find things to laugh at no? otherwise it will all get too much, what with rape, murder and whatnot.

Phantom of the opera opens today, as we've been enlightened. only a million times. i wish i was going though. dang.

you know what happens when you try to study? first, you procrastinate by not opening your notes till the last possible minute. second, you finally open it, but cant bring yourself to read it. so you write your name on it. elaborately. third, you start highlighting every single word of the notes. fourth, you've run out of stuff to highlight, but cant absorb a thing. so you get bored and start playing. anything that is available. whee~

food for thought:
ever wondered why there is a permanent bazaar in NUS? ever wondered why a certain master is always there at every single one? where will he find the time to run any business outside of nus as he claims he does?

i want the nice cupcakes from central forum. but they are GONE. buy me some somebody. hahaha.

'no more thought of darkness...' 11:37:00 PM

well i was coming home and i saw many many children, those small things that have a much much bigger presence than their size would suggest, at least in the eyes of their parents, if no other.

wouldn't it be nice if one could revert back to the days of old? a kid can lean on his dad's shoulder and get carried around when he's tired. he can cling on and bury his head in his mom's shirt sleeves when he's scared. he can cry and he will be comforted. he can ask stupid questions and no one will think he's stupid.

i love watching the kids play together. it depicts so much love. isn't it ironic that it is those who supposedly know the least or nothing at all about love who probably are the best at loving others?

life is simple most of the time. black and white without the complications. but sadly, it is only the purest and most innocent who can see this.

Phantom was shown on TV. i'm still as much in love with emmy rossum as i was the first time i watched it. and the show of course. will someone bring me to watch it someday. it's so nice, but i'm so poor.

why do we shun those who are not, according to our standards, good or ok looking? why do we single them out to commit unspeakable things to, to demoralise them further than they already are because of their shortcomings? why do we do the same to people we deem less intelligent than ourselves? why do we seek to be the elite? and when we are, why do we seek to exclude those who do not fit in? why do we see the need to make others feel worse so that we can feel better about ourselves?

why are there some people who society is always unfair to? people like the phantom, already deformed, and yet forced to lead a worse existence than he would otherwise live by being subject to ridicule. who, because of a physical flaw that is not a result of his own wrongdoing, suffered the discrimination of others for the rest of his life. who, led a life fraught with hate and a want for revenge.

is it worth living like that? 9:35:00 PM

grandparents, in effect, are just as vulnerable as children. only, because they are old, and are adults, they are less taken care of, less love and concern rendered. less time spent with them. it's no wonder old people are so lonely.

looking at a friend's grandad, i felt an overwhelming sense of loss. and regret. of loathe for humankind. who never cherish what they have until it has been lost. right now, i want my grandparents back. but i can just as safely say that whatever i say i will do now if they were here, in reality would not be performed if they were indeed here.

we can make countless excuses for our actions, we can make countless laments, we can blame countless others for our situations, but ultimately, there is no one to blame but us.

on a side note: i've been told that i whined like a little kid while i was sleeping yesterday. hmmm. why? 10:15:00 AM

11:11:00 AM

it's actually very easy to make me happy. the simplest things, the simplest things. simplest gestures from friends can make my day. just as long as i know someone cares. it's so simple it's almost laughable. haha. a nice gesture a day keeps amelia's blues away!

the test was.. lame. = . = all you had to do was vomit everything out. just that i digested more, so nothing to vomit. darn.

the report was... i dont know? haha. have a kind of bad feeling about it. oops.

i blocked and deleted a contact. =) oops. wait till i'm ready, i'll add back. no worries. =)

today was.. an interesting day built only on adrenaline. with three hours of sleep and two cans of coffee, i lasted till... dinnertime. no wonder the green curry made my stomach feel weird.

there are lots and lots of humongous stars tonight. stop and smell the roses, stop and gaze at stars. it soothes the mind. =) 10:27:00 PM

i have realized that i'm someone who constantly needs to depend on someone. there has to be someone there that i can call, that i can message for whatever reason it may be. but there isn't any someone i can rely on. for everyone on my current phone list that i can message or call when i need to, for whatever ridiculous reason, I have reservations, and end up just not calling or messaging or anything and just going to sleep. or trying to anyway. even for friends. or anybody else.

i keep getting hit by waves of emo-ness.

much as i'll like to stop, i can't. so how.

we keep evolving. we keep changing. each and every person is impacted and changed directly by each and every other person he encounters. at the end of it all, each person is just a compilation of all the persons in his life, with a little bit of himself. 12:14:00 AM

so apparently being emo causes other people to be emo which in turn causes you to be emo again. it's a vicious cycle. therefore, one must actively seek to break it. cover up and stow it all away. whee~

so i'm cleaning up, sweeping it all under the carpet, cramming it all into cupboards. =) let's cross our fingers and hope they don't all come tumbling out.

BUT i'm still entitled to be angry with annoying people. i dislike doing group projects. i feel super restricted and stuff. so much constraint. pissed. but whatever.

yesterday i saw this threesome sitting in front of me who made me think. some people can be quite insensitive. couples should not make a lightbulb feel even brighter than she already is when she is there not by choice. oh never mind.

i'm stressed. so many many things to do. i woke up this morning and rediscovered my bald spot. cause for serious upset. i need to go to yunnan. that place for hair growth. oh no. please don't make me. yuck.

daddy gave a visor to me. when can i wear it? 3:08:00 PM

We both know that i shouldn't be here
This is wrong
And baby it's killing me,
it's killing you
Both of us trying to be strong
I've got somewhere else to be
Promises to keep
Someone else who loves me
And trusts me fast asleep
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you i don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my hearts not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever had to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending i don't love you
I know that we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind
Like dr. zhivago
All my love i'll be sending
And you will never know
There can be no happy ending

Maybe another time,
another day
As much as i want to, i can't stay
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that

I don't want to live a lie
What can i do 1:00:00 PM

心有点酸，意有点冷。

some things happened and i asked nixon: there must be something fundamentally wrong with me, can someone enlighten me on what it is? and was surprised when i received a pep talk/lecture/scolding from him about his view on this issue.

feel quite quite exhausted and overwhelmed by everything. i havent slept well in god knows how long. and it's not just because i have so many things to do.

i dreamt of an unexpected person yesterday. but i may be thinking too much.

forensic science practical was pretty cool this morning. fingerprint liftings. if only you could lift scars away just as easily. if only pain could be wiped away so easily, lost so easily. on the contrary, it is fleeting happiness and love that resembles the fingerprints. pain is more like the object the print is on. big, permanent and irremovable.

yea i know. i'll love her too, if i were you. instead of me. 12:12:00 PM

i am sometimes extra nice because it feels good to make people slightly happier through the simplest things, the smallest gestures. the truth is, maybe i do unto others what i want done for me. just that it doesn't really work that way. i care for others because i know it feels nice to have someone caring for you. i dress nicely sometimes to make me feel slightly better, when i'm in exceptionally depressed moods. i wear makeup sometimes to hide my eyes when they are swollen from crying. i lie sometimes so people do not worry unnecessarily. i tell untruths sometimes to appease ruffled feathers. i apologize sometimes even when i know it's not my fault just so people will get that satisfaction that they were right. i laugh sometimes to give people assurance. the things i do may seem easy enough. but sometimes they are tough to accomplish. sometimes i get tired of doing things for others. sometimes i get discouraged. but i continue. just don't take it all for granted. i don't have to do them.

fortune telling is based on perspectivity and interpretations. one could interpret things many ways. a fortune teller's word is a general sentence which may be completely fabricated or which may not be fabricated, but which may apply to a whole lot of people at once in many different ways. therefore, it is the interpretation of one's own self that makes the fortune teller's word what it is. say for example the fortune teller says i will become rich one day. i may choose to believe him and not do anything. if i do happen to become rich, it will be by luck. or maybe i married a rich husband. on the other hand, i may have chosen to work even harder since he said i was going to become rich and in the end, if i do become rich, it would have been based on my own hard work. do we not hold our destiny in our own hands?

some people need others to tell them what they are like. not because they don't know exactly what kind of a person and what kind of a character they have, but because hearing someone else tell them about themselves makes them feel good, especially when the other can so clearly see what kind of person he is. it makes him happier just to know that someone bothers to even analyse him and can see.

some people like to know things about other people. it gives them control. but on the other hand, nobody really knows much about them. some people are manipulative. they play countless games that leave you reeling. and when you think you've finally got out of their game, you end up finding out awhile later that making you think you had escaped was all part of the plan. it takes a lot to play these anticipation games. but a true master doesn't require effort. it all comes just as naturally as we breathe. these are the people that should be avoided at all costs. you could be played like a puppet and you wouldn't even realize. you know only what they want you to think you know. so you end up knowing nothing except perhaps a fictitious persona.

some people have so little confidence in theselves they think everything is their fault. they end up saying sorry for half the things they didn't do. and as if that is not enough, they say sorry when the situation is clearly not a result of their wrongdoing and they are in fact the victims. they say sorry for being the victim. sometimes they apologize for even being born. by taking the world's faults upon themselves, their hearts grow smaller each day. one day they'll break. one day they'll do drastic things. one day they'll simply disappear.

i am entitled to rages now and again. everyone is. it doesn't mean that just because i'm obliging and willing to please most of the time, i have to be that way all the time. it doesn't mean that i will always accept things lying down. it doesn't mean that you have a right to stand me up just because i will apparently 'understand' because you have a good reason. just because i give in, it doesn't mean that i always will. it doesn't mean that you can take for granted that i will always be there. that i will always be the punching bag you can vent on. just because i understand what you are going though and am trying to help you by being as much of a lamb as possible doesn't mean that you have the right to think you are doing everything right, that you are entitled to yell at me. it doesn't mean that because i have done something wrong once, i have to atone for that all my life. it freaking doesn't mean that i have to take all your crap all the time. it doesn't mean that just because i laugh everything off i'm really fine. if scolding me helps, then go ahead. just know that it hurts like hell. just know that i cry like a little kid over some things you say as easily as popping a mint. over things you can just as easily stop yourself from saying. i don't deserve to be scolded like that. not when i did nothing this time. not when i didn't use YOU as an outlet to vent my frustration. this is no longer retaliation. this is you picking a fight. and. i walk away. i give my promise to help anybody who needs it. that's because i hate to think of a person having to face things alone. it's extremely painful. but helping you puts me in so much pain myself. and when i am in pain, i lay sobbing deep into the night, on my own. who is there then, to render help?

sometimes. when it's late and tears fall, i need to just hear a human voice. then, if i do call, please pick up. 7:41:00 PM

it hurts. so bad. 3:03:00 AM

i am. extremely. pissed off.
for more reasons than one.

1. stop asking me for decisions. i can't freaking make them.
2. don't let me anticipate something and then end up letting me down.
3. stop thinking you know me when you don't know a thing.
4. stop probing. what the hell do you want.
5. stop asking me whether i want to do things i freaking told you a million times i don't want to do. i will do it when i want to ok?! stop asking. DAMN.

ARGH. 9:14:00 PM

if you do something repeatedly out of your own free will, and yet, complain endlessly and tell others that you hate doing that thing you do, who's gonna believe you?! it's ridiculous isn't it. clearly, you do not hate it as much as you insinuate that you do (then why keep going on and on about it?!) or. you enjoy torturing yourself by doing things you hate. either way, you must be pretty stupid, and a pretty annoying person. so get lost then. the world doesn't need people like you around. 11:15:00 PM

delicate balance
fine lines
intricate complications
webs of deceit
human faults
facades
lies of contention
wanton needs
pains inflicted
blame doled
bloodshed
tear tracks
armed strifes
extreme antagonism
hopeless pessimism
lonely existence
loveless relationships
hidden conflicts
worthless opinions
useless talents
guilt
dirty linen
steel wool
fallen dreams
selfish reasons
tactless jibes
unkind thoughts
self centered decisions
sharp exchanges
petty flaws
pretentious acquaintances
ill-meaning adversaries
mercenary worlds
cruel intentions
unfathomable agendas
clandestine sins
unscrupulous means
shameless acts
exploitative purposes
scheming designs
fly away conscience

leave
it
all.
behind. 7:14:00 PM

however upset i feel, for whatever reason, nobody sees it. i laugh it all off. and put on a bright smile, grinning for the world to see.

sometimes when you say things in the name of fun, i do get hurt. but still i laugh it off. here i'm telling you that it's not always funny. i'm not always good natured. i'm not as immune to jibes as i appear. i do care. i try not to. but how do you change things like that? it's an inbuilt mechanism.

i'm more scared now of what i find myself wanting. of what i want to do. of how i feel about certain things.

but. don't worry. i'm happy. life is beautiful. i think. somehow. somewhere. just not here. i just have to find it. 11:29:00 PM

tell me i'm not worthless. tell me i'm more than that.

does it matter if i leave? has my passing affected any life at all in this time and place? or have i managed somehow to pass without leaving traces. no footprints in the sand (they were washed away by the sea), no changes in mindsets/lives of the people i've once touched whatsoever?

if i disappear now, would it make no difference. maybe some would puzzle over a certain thing they knew was there yesterday but is not here now. what has been changed that they cannot put a finger to? but they'll dismiss it as something insignificant.

would it have mattered if i was any other girl? would you have done the same?

am i a friend? do you respect me to the extent that you respect... say... that friend?

yes i'm talking in riddles. i'm afraid to expose myself. i'm scared. of people knowing what lies deep. i'm scared of what i did. i'm scared of what happened. of what i let happen.

i'm scared of what opinions might form. i'm scared of knowing the truth. even about myself.

in a past life i must have done something really wrong to make me the way i am.

IDIOT. 2:17:00 PM