I hope it's the right choice. 10:33:00 AM

I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts. not even for a second.

There has been a subtle change in the mood and environment. Or is it just a change in me? 11:12:00 PM

Dear friend, I wonder what you want from me. Are you speaking the truth or are you just fooling around? I really hope it's the latter. Maybe I'm still at the stage when it seems that beautiful words will only come from beautiful people. Maybe still at the stage when the world seems less cruel than it actually is, but only because it's through my own perspective. I guess.

Do I look tired to you. That's because I am. A kind of tiredness that no amount of sleep will cure, A kind of tiredness that emanates from within. A tiredness of mankind. The kind that makes me wish that everything would just stop. If only for one day. Like sleeping beauty. Where the world literally stops. But no. It cannot stop. And if I do stop, I'll be on my own, and wake up to find that the world has moved on. That I'm far behind, forgetting what the world was like before, and forgotten by the world that once existed. 9:17:00 AM

I'm a nice person. You know I am. I may not have much of a temper, but I do have one. Please don't take me for granted. Please don't assume that I'll be at your beck and call. All of you. What do you take me for. A doormat? Well i'm not. I have my breaking point too. Don't even try going near it. Trust me. So pissed and disappointed with everyone. 7:57:00 PM

rhapsody of silent pleas;
echoing against
walls of steel.

iridescent promises;
(made in high hopes)
which came to naught.

a dreadful nuance;
an irreparable misunderstanding;
forgotten times;
memories broken
into a million shards. 10:35:00 PM

but pretty funny. so i guess overall it was ok. though I wouldn't have paid to watch it.

teenage angst and old age blues. same symptoms, different eras.

of disappointment and regret, of heartache and pain. 11:18:00 PM

isn't it just human's nature. isn't it just so typical to want something you cannot have. to know you cannot have something but yet at the same time torture yourself watching others having it.

a nameless fear
a faceless hope
a soundless dream
an endless night.

painless? not.
a hurt like never felt
a hollow emptiness
a relentless ache.

is that what it is?
that elusive thing.
Is that all it is?
why then do we search for it so. 11:18:00 PM

rantings - temporary reprieve from an unfair world. where we seek redress, and even if there isn't a reply, even if we speak only to ourselves, at least there is an outlet. at least it doesn't clog up our system. like weeds choking up a garden or like a humongous cloud blocking out the sun.

red and raw. much like a mangled arm, much like a broken heart. a little girl without her mother, a dog who has lost it's owner. eyes wide shut and scared. what do you do in a situation like that.

A lot of things depend on how much I want it. If I want it enough, I will do anything to acheive it. However, if I don't want it, I will do lot of things to avoid it as well.

In a place where the edges are blurred and speech is slurred, if not totally unintelligible. where it's always dark out, where the day doesn't come. where secrets lie and unfounded fears triumph. where desperation prevails and screams echo. on and on and on through the endless night. 3:35:00 PM

他習慣把自己丟在熱鬧的場所
他以為這樣可以掩飾掉落寞
她喜歡往這個城市最安靜角落走
擔心脆弱被人識破

他和她住在同一棟樓
遺憾的是愛擦肩而過
他們孤獨時候 都望著同一顆 星球

他和她都在城市飄流
遺憾的是心無緣邂逅
他們彼此適合卻無奈的錯過
在人群中掩沒

他渴望能有人分享夜晚和失落
她最怕獨自面對黃昏和脆弱
其實他們彼此距離才兩三個窗口
不同的心 一樣寂寞

There are so many songs, all of them depicting the loss of love, or the difficulty encountered in looking for it. perhaps it's just as said: maybe the reason why everybody is searching so hard for love is that it is the closest thing to magic that we could possibly find. Maybe.

Today will be the roadshow. Even though i'm not going. All I need is a FEW more sales to jump the tier. lol. just a few. 7:28:00 AM

so yea. she was 65. and the bus did hit her. I offer my condolences.

you said you loved me. I thought it was forever. I thought. But apparently not huh. thanks. for the unhappy memories. and the memorable ones. I'm sure.

On a lighter note, today was... the most exhausting day. started out at 6 in the morning after which I had to scream at kids who were 13 going on 3. darn. Lost my temper. shouldn't have. but apparently it didn't even make a dent on their smugness. they are so mad. you can't even begin to imagine the amount of noise they can make. just annoyed me so freaking much i almost felt like manhandling them. ugh. it's a side of me that somehow comes out around them. i feel ashamed. darn. 8:51:00 PM

So it does. it's over before you know it. could just have been crossing the road or walking along even. yet it may be over in a matter of seconds. not even left with the time to say goodbye or make provisions. death. it's so final. they stood watching and couldn't do a thing. For he was already gone. They couldn't even put him in the hospital van for it is not the practice to do so for a dead man. A dead man. He was probably on his way to work. It could just as easily have been me. It doesn't feel right to smile or laugh. not when i've witnessed this. I mean it's part and parcel of life. but when it happens right in front of your eyes and you actually see the blood, well it's just not so easy to dismiss. not so easy to forget. 6:05:00 PM

sometimes if you've got nothing good to say, it may just be better to keep your comments to yourself. get my drift?

It's so dreadful to wake up with a splitting headache and eyes that wouldn't open. Yes. that explains my specs today. lol. back to mundane and random shit that's so gonna bombard me all day. Is it just me or does everybody get lousy customers with a billion requests?

How many people think I'm a joke. I probably can't count the number even if I had ten hands and legs. What will it take for people to see that sometimes I don't want jibes and sarcasm thrown at me every single minute of the day. I mean even a clown has feelings, even if they can never show it. No wonder clowns are the saddest people. I would be too if I couldn't cry when I wanted to and then when I could finally cry, I probably wouldn't be in the mood anymore. So what's the link? No link. According to her, life is random anyway, is it not. full of mismatched people and information, full of things that don't matter, full of things that do.

Annoying much? What do you do with people who annoy you so much you wish they'll disappear off the face of the earth but on the other hand know that you couldn't cope if they really did?

To be fickle and undecided. that's a woman's prerogative. So sue me. 10:14:00 AM

so she asked. will you ever go after your friend's ex? will you? I would say no. but then again. circumstances change don't they. Who will ever want to be the third wheel given a choice.

well. it appears i'm too late. by a few months. but are you really as perfect as it seems. guess I'll never find out. not as long as she is still there. and even if she's not, so what. It seems happy endings don't come true in the real world. welcome. to wherever here is. somedays, despondancy takes over. like a thick thick sludge washing over, drenching, enveloping. the world becomes blurry and you can't get rid of the mess. and suddenly buried, you can't find a way out. then what? is that it. sometimes you get discouraged and hopelessness takes over. show the world how it is for me. but who will understand. who will sympathize. is sympathy what i'm looking for? perhaps. but probably not from those who will give it. not in the way they will.

played tennis till i'm almost dead. How will it be if life was all about tennis and romance. how nice will it be. and the sea of course. it's always about the sea.

watched all about love. the show with andy lau and charlene choi, i swear I cried so much I thought I wasn't going to stop even after the show. I eventually did of course. But it's a really really nice show.

and now back to the dilemma. why do I get the feeling i'm never ever going to make it. will someone fast forward the tape, at least i'll have some idea what's gonna happen to me. but of course not. what a ludicrous thought.

kill me please.

oh. and before I forget, happy mother's day mom. hope you will be happy. always. much happier than me. I can only be happy when the people around me are. oh. and if there are people to make me happy after I'm done making everybody else happy of course. 10:30:00 PM