CAPRICORN - DECEMBER 21 – JANUARY 19Few will believe that a hardcore practical and materialistic person like you is capable of sensitivity and genuine emotions. You project a hard exterior but are actually very sensitive, a trait you successfully hide from others. You can see thing with anger but will not betray your feelings. But then, there are times that even you cannot control your temper. Under such circumstances you can shout and scream, more with frustration at the situation than with anger at any particular person. Your outbursts can shock others and can make them feel guilty too.

就算是永远都找不到，也会不停的试试看，不会放弃。也许有一天，说不定就真的让我找到专属于自己的人。就算是真的找不到，自少心理还是抱着一份希望，日子也容易过些。也许你就是那个人，可是现在还不敢付出太多。只怕付出了就收不回来，心一旦掏出来了再也收不回去。到时心碎的会是我吗？ 8:15:00 AM

what was that? conflict. give me my peace of mind. soothe the pain and calm the turmoil. Thank you. 4:42:00 PM

Whiffs of body mist,
left from before,
lingering obstinately,
not dissipating as it should,
From a time when the answer was plain,
When I knew.

But the certainty is gone,
Thoughts are jumbled, doubts seep in,
A mess of longing and fear and more fear,
Deer caught in the headlights,
But too frightened to move,
out of the way of impending disaster.

Insecurity at it's record high and self confidence shattered. A million fragments reflecting the broken light. 4:02:00 PM

怎么会在不知不觉中开始依赖有你的这种感觉？

Don't know what to say and how to feel, don't see why I should seek out the good, neither am I willing to perceive the bad. What's a girl to think?

Fatal flaws,
Perfect roses,
With perfect thorns.
Drawing blood,
A perfect bead,
With a single prick. 9:56:00 PM

Everything is seperated from every other thing by fine lines, spiderweb thin. It's so fragile, it's as if a single move could shatter the delicate web and throw everything into turmoil, turn everything topsy turvy.

Is that what's happening here? 10:09:00 AM

Is it my imagination or has my world gone all wrong. All because.

Or is it just because you are being treated nicely? For now. Think about it. cuz you always rush headlong into things and don't think about consequences. Ultimately you are the one who suffers.

it's good to see you
i missed you last night
that's such a lovely color
it goes with your eyes
before we fall asleep
i just wanted to say
this all seems so easy
but there're choices to make
can't decide,
then look at the faces
we're burning the pages
and hurting ourselves
with this false start
and we pretend
as if it gets easier
but does it get easier?
reading words with no replies.
when we have these mornings
where we can say goodbye
i wanted to mean
everything to you
but this isn't right
you keep coming back disassembled
and i keep losing this fight 10:48:00 AM

'In not too long, the moon will be gone, and the air will become silvery.'

I'm still not sure. Maybe being such a romanticist isn't such a good thing after all. You tend to see too much good and ignore the bad. You tend to ignore the possibility of failures and unhappiness. The possibility that life is not as rosy as it should be, not as rosy as it seems. And in that process, create a perfect world that is not perfect but which only seems so in your eyes and you let it stay so. It's building a dream that will fade once you wake. That's not a good thing. it's a dreamer's way of escaping reality. 9:01:00 AM

I read and reread. Like a favourite book you can't put down. but with a lot less words and a lot more sentiment. 11:27:00 PM

Did you ever want something so bad you felt like you would stop breathing if you couldn't get it? I really wanted to get into those schools I didn't get into. I really wanted some of things to happen. In a big way. None of them did. It all fell away. It wasn't a lot that I asked for. But it wasn't granted anyway. So what makes me think it will be different this time around. What makes me think that good things will happen to me. I hate to think like that. But maybe it's inborn, maybe it's everything that has been thrown my way thus far. My natural train of thoughts just go that way. I hate to be the cause of upset. I don't want to spoil things for everybody. It's better if I just put everybody else first. Cuz if I do start to put myself first, the agony of thinking what others think and how they feel is much worse. I really hate to upset people. Maybe I'm rambling. I am, not maybe. The bottom line though, is still, that i want everybody to be happy. I want to be the one to make them happy. I want. It's all I wish for. Maybe if there is happiness all around already, I can finally go about finding happiness of my own too. 11:45:00 PM

perfect.

of enigmas and shadows,
of mystique and wonder.
Get Seduced by the very idea.

I'm waiting.

'Perhaps it is the dead who are most blessed and happy. For everything is already over and done with. It is those alive who suffer the most, because they are not able to let go and move on.' 10:37:00 PM

tell me. are you for real or are you kidding me? 11:30:00 PM

Save me from myself. i CANNOT take this.

'People sometimes talk about how strong and tough children are and how much they can take, but I think a lot of kids fake being OK just trying to keep from going crazy.'

Sometimes even when it doesn't matter, it still hurts. Sometimes it shouldn't hurt, but still it does. Sometimes I wish things could change. But it doesn't. Sometimes you think what if. But in thinking what if, more what if's come about and at the end you get all confused and mixed up. You think something happened which didn't actually happen. You disillusion yourself and the mirror reflects a thousand yous. You don't know which to pick. It's like in the house of mirrors. Everywhere you turn, there seems to be a way out. Then you reach your hand out and it comes in contact with glass. Trapped. Like a fly in a damp airless space. endlessly flapping but unable to break out. 12:58:00 PM

I just keep getting pissed over nothing much and it's starting to get annoying. Am I menopausal?! That's a scary thought.

But maybe it's just the job. I hate it. I hate the way I'm feeling. It makes me ugly. Like i'm being eaten up from inside with all these negative feelings.

1) Envy that you got what you wanted and I didn't. Kinda hate you for it, but that's not fair. to you i mean.
2) Guilty. that I did what I did. But still. I didn't know before. When i knew, I had already done too much to clear off.
3) Frustration. At everything from the way you nag at me to the way you ignore me. At everyone.

Am so afraid of the intensity of some of these emotions. I'm so afraid they'll take over me. Make me into a person I don't want to be. Envy does things to you. Makes a nice person evil. Makes a mild person wild. Makes an otherwise peaceful co-existence chaotic. So what I've gotta do is curb them, which I'm doing ok. Except sometimes. Those times I get snappish and peevish. Probably not at my friendliest, so maybe it'd be better to stay away. I don't wanna do damage. It's times like this when I know that I'd be better off gone. When there doesn't seem to be any point.

You made me feel evil yesterday. But I guess it had to be done. No point in prolonging the wait and hence intensifying the agony later on when you do finally know. Had been working up the courage, weighing the odds. and I'm sorry this had to be the outcome. Would have loved to give it a try, but it just seems too impossible. Two people from two different worlds. Worlds that have nothing in common. parallels. Lines that never meet.

You know what? I don't care about the money. But I care that you are a guy and you are such a scrooge. Actually I don't care much about that as well. It just doesn't sit well with me. But no harm done. I hope I never find a guy like that. It'd be sad.

I guess I'm mostly just scared. Quaking. I don't dare to picture what's gonna happen to me in the future. I have a feeling it's not going to be how I want it to be.

So many people have hidden agendas. How am I to know who's for real and who's faking it? How am I to know whether people mean what they say. What's a surreptitious look supposed to mean? A secret wink? Does everyone think I'm a bad person? Does everyone hate me? 10:17:00 AM

Some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss... But every once in awhile, you find someone who's iridescent, and when you do, nothing will ever compare. 6:09:00 PM