still remember the various times i got my results. still remember the immense disappointment each time i get it. the high hopes and then the low. the horrible low. remember how i cried on the bus home from primary school after getting psle. still remember how i cried when i received a lousier score for o levels as compared to prelims. still remember how i walked, dazed, out of SAJC. it was never good. but it's the opposite for you isnt it. you excel in all that you do. somehow you really got the good genes. you can shoot. you can freaking shoot. why, of all the activities in the world did you have to choose the one thing in the world i excelled at. and why did you have to be good at it? somehow i almost hate you for that. i hate that you steal my experiences from me. i hate that you know the joy i feel and you can experience it but i can never experience yours. 11:29:00 PM

so this is great, two blogs each filtering each other off. i feel like i have a split personality. but anyways i guess it's kinda a need for me to do this. to segragate the good from the bad, because i do too need a place to rant, but i dont want the world to see my rants. well at least not my friends. in any case, i feel like ranting now i guess.

ok this is really bad, but i'm getting a sense of i dunno what. something like envy. i wonder if its just me, i'll never experience any of the stuff people experience maybe. is it because i dont give enough of myself, that's why people dont give of themselves to me? i feel talentless and worthless. both as a person and as a friend. i need to get this off, likely cry it out too.

my sister is talented in photography. my sister is smart. my sister got into shooting club in her school. thats a majorly sore point because it used to be unique to me. she's not supposed to be good at it too. is there nothing i can do that she cannot? is there nothing she isnt good in? whereas she can do all sorts of things i cant. she has the sort of friends i want, but have never had. is she bound to lead a good life for always and always while i'll be all alone forever. and she's gonna be better at shooting than i ever got a chance to be. because she'll have two years of training while i had bloody three months. i understand that i could have gone and done it on my own. but there was no time to. i had to expend lots and sacrifice lots to continue shooting. while she just has to go to school. i mean i do know she stays many days for training. i was wiling to do that. but no, i wasnt allowed. i had to maybe go all the way to bb if i wanted to shoot that badly. i was outcasted in NJ, they thought i was being annoying. what do i have to do?? to fit in. simply to fit in. why's it so hard for me.

i really feel very very very alone. none of the friends i have seem real to me. i have no bosom buddies, most of 'em will drop me at the slightest provocation. people who like me dont really like me, only for superficial reasons, or only because i'm nice to them. none of my friends trust me enough to tell me any shit, and none of them interested enough in me for me to in turn, tell them shit.

bloody hell.

my best friend doesnt tell me anything real, only about the guys. and now shes so busy she hardly even contacts me unless i do so first. v has a gf and can rely on her for everything. same applies to r and s. c has p. well this is the real world and i'm on my own.

am i only there for comic relief? not a person to share stuff with, simply to fob off with some lame story. am i only there so there's someone to complain about mundane stuff to but not to tell what goes on in your minds? am i only there as the wallflower? not a person to consider at all? do i have no feelings? 5:24:00 PM