i dont like the way you always say stuff behind my back. if you have something to tell me, say it to my face yea. or tell it in front of me. don't backstab.

feel kinda like... in between now. feel like i'm not part of this camaraderie. and i'm not just talking about school people. it's this way even at home. i just feel like i've been so caught up that i don't have the time for them, or even if i am with them, my heart is not there. i don't really like it. resolve to be more involved.

hmmph. 12:53:00 PM

haven;t felt this lousy since.. since two years ago. could this get any worse. this sucks. nobody understands or cares yea. maybe i should just curl up and die.

all shut up and go away. 12:45:00 AM

'whatever comes can't alter one thing. if i'm a princess in rags and tatters, i can be a princess inside. it would be much easier to be a princess if i were dressed in cloth of gold, but it is a great deal more of a triumph to be one all the time when no one knows it.'

'not all scars show, not all wounds heal, you can't always see the pain someone feels.'

'listen as the wind blows from across the great divine, voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time'

' i don't want you to smile. a smile is concealing. it is often a mask.'

'happiness is the feeling you enjoy between periods of unhappiness. are happy episodes not measured against sad episodes? what would a state of unwavering happiness really be like, other than a bland monotone devoid of texture and contrast? perhaps unhappiness defines happiness as surely as night defines day.'

'love is nothing, nothing, nothing like they say'

'the secret of heaven: that each affects the other and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one'

'tapes, like photographs and videos are a desperate attempt to steal something from death's suitcase'

'life is a series of pulls back and forth. you want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. you take things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.'

'noone will ever love you as much as i love you. i love you. why is that not enough?'

'I'm sorry.. i'm not perfect'

'alas i have grieved so i am hard to love. yet love me - wilt thou? open thine heart wide...'

'sometimes i do pretend i am a princess. i pretend i am a princess, so that i can try and behave like one.'

'in between the thoughts there is something and not nothing. the thoughts are covering it up and shielding it like a curtain and it is in my middle. and if i stop thinking it will swallow me up. it is an abyss.'

'a butterfly is a love note folded in two'

'if you love somebody, let him go. if he loves you, he will come back. if he doesn't come back, he was never yours to begin with.' 12:16:00 AM

thanks for doing all these stuff you do for me. really. and please don't disallow me to say it. i can hardly believe the possibility of your existence, much less the fact that. well.. that. yea.

kind of sad that i lost it. guess it's time to let go huh. but i guess memories such as those will never go away. even if its representational piece is gone.

how come everytime i read your blog, i feel this pain. like. unwittingly. tears come unbidden. hope you will be ok. you seem to be suffering a lot of heartache. i really really hope things will work out for you soon. take care dear girl.

thought of you today grandma. i miss you. haven't missed you so intensely for so long. i always regretted this fact: that i couldn't cry during your funeral. i don't know why, but the tears just wouldn't come. remember when i stared hard at your picture willing my tears to fall, willing the sadness to show itself, the heart wrenching sadness to come out. yet they wouldn't come. maybe i was too young. i have no idea. now. years overdue, i almost can't seem to stop. almost like i'm finally grieving for this particular loss. I so so regret not knowing you more, not talking to you more, loving you more. it's all too late isn't it. will you wait for me? i have some things to say to you. or will you visit me? please? tonight? or whenever you are free. it's ok. i'm sorry i always seem to want my way. seem t be selfish. sorry. take your time grandma. i will wait. meanwhile, please take care of yourself too yea. i don't know if i believe in a netherworld. but i guess i'd rather believe. 12:40:00 AM

did you see the beautiful picture? but. did you also see the cracks behind the beautiful picture? when i saw the animal, i thought it was perfect. but then, discovered that it was hurt. had scars all down it's front. almost like it had been mauled. it was lucky to be alive. but. what seemed perfect held so many imperfections. does it matter? no. because it is still the same seal, still the same. all i'm trying to say. i don't know. i'm really confused. i dont know where my thoughts are going. guess i'm starting to let the doubts creep in. i don't want to but i cant help it.

i don't want to think about it either. but i can't help it.

I don't know if i want to be there. here. how i wish someone could make my decisions for me. i'm stuck. confused and stuck. you've gone to sleep. well good night. take care. i don't know when i'll see you again. 10:08:00 PM

it's so easy for change to take place. sometimes you get tired of just being so aimless. i feel like i want to break out. i guess i always feel like that. sometimes, all of a sudden i just feel like i don't want this life, this circle of friends, this situation, this everything. i just feel like i want a change. maybe i'm just like that. for all who are reading this blog, please do not be hurt. friends. i don't mean that i need to get away from you guys. many of you have been such great great friends for the periods of time when i need you, and i'm just really really grateful. what i meant was superficial friends. sometimes you get so so sick and tired of them. why do they put on such facades. i could know a person for 2 years and i still cannot understand what she thinks and what's going on in her mind and everything. i'm just... i don't know. really turned off and pissed with these people. i need to get away from them i guess. it's too stifling. that's why i hate it so much that there are so many people i know in NUS all these surface friends who don't give a damn about me yea. i kind of would like a new start away from them. but i guess. well. it's just not possible is it. especially you. the way you act really makes me feel nauseous. i dread seeing you. i think i might even hate you. i have never liked you even last time. so maybe. maybe i'm a hypocrite? i'm sorry. but well at least i am not overenthusiastic when i see you. and i dont like to talk to you much either, don't you realize that? maybe you take for granted that everybody likes you and nobody will ever dislike you? but i do. i seriously dislike you. this may be really childish of me but i can't help it.

and you. what's up with you eh? i didn't know alright? what would you have done? i wish i didn't have to be in this situation yea. it's not something i asked for yea. and it's not like it's a totally happy situation either you know. how would you handle this if you were me? how can you say things about me when they are not true. how can i do things differently to make everything less hurting.

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry.

if one day i do give up, which i really don't want to and hope i won't,please know that i gave up only because you made me give up. it'll never be because of somebody else. please also know that i really really loved you once before. and take comfort in that. i love you. and please don't ever let go unless you have no feelings anymore. please. 9:21:00 AM

sometimes you may think you know but you don't really. sometimes you may want things to work out but they don't. sometimes you think things are going according to plan but they are not. sometimes you plan things for ages and then everything just flops. sometimes you think you know what you want but you don't really. sometimes some things that seem to be working out suddenly stop working out. sometimes you get lost and can't find your way back.

But on the other hand.

sometimes you feel that everything is going to go wrong, but everything works out just fine in the end. sometimes things work out better than you expected. sometimes you find it hard to believe your good fortune, but it's there. it's real and tangible.

i guess time will tell. but please don't let me get hurt again. please. i don't want. i guess that's what i was crying for yesterday, crying about. all the times i was hurt. cuz i remember telling carian 'i don't want'. i don't want to be hurt. again. i really don't. please.

*insert*
i just remembered that yesterday while i was wandering around, this group of guys like saw me alone and waved to me. i was like. erm. do i know them?! so i just waved back and walked away. but. how was i to know that the other side was like a dead end. wrong way. how embarassing. so i had to turn back and walk pass them again. and they were laughing at me la can. hmm. i feel like a natural clown. i should just join the circus or something.
*end insert*

insecurity kicks in again i guess. it's hard not to feel insecure i guess. especially for me. i always feel like i'm hanging onto a really thin thread. one that could just snap.

on a lighter note, watched click finally! =) it's like nice can. but.... well. slightly embarrassing. haha. oh well.

where can i find my pencil box huh. suggestions please. for nice cloth pencil cases. and please don't suggest DIY everybody. heard that before. hahaha. do i look like i know how to DIY. - _ -lll

tomorrow. =) 9:09:00 PM

time rushes by, sometimes in spiderthin, almost invisible threads and sometimes in strings, like those from a kite and other times in ropes. large portions going past and nobody is able to stop it for it will cause a rope burn. do you understand?

sputtering rubbish while waiting for you to wake up. it's a boring wait. but never mind. =) 8:41:00 AM

i'm happy happy. =) like can practically bounce off the walls with happiness. haha. - _ -lll right. spread the joy. =)

okok. stop the hyperactivity, yay. today chalet can get to stayover with cis team again! =) i feel like getting the shirt from bugis. it's pretty nice. hmmm. i need shoes. so that i can be tall! =) this is like so random. right. i wanna go night cycling. now now now. hmmph. have to wait till september. and wakeboarding. like how fun la. DX faster organize! i'm like gonna stop using the word 'pengz' can. cheryl says it's so... i forgot the word she used. but. it's not good. hahahhaa. stop being cheenafied can. NUS is influencing me! i don't want to be cheena! Ryan says i'm m,ore cheena than vivien! i'm like going to kill myself can. hahahhahaha. grrr. now i feel like using the word. hmmph. *faint*

yesterday saw a couple on the bus. PDA until i cannot take it can. erm. no need to be so lovey dovey can. haha. like on the bus, the guy was sitting behind while the girl was sitting next to me cuz there were no seats that were together. and the guy reached his hand through the hole in the back of the seat to put his arm around the girl! i was like. erm. it doesn't sound so bad when i relate it like that. but it was pretty disgusting. trust me. so in the end i just stood up and let the guy like sit next to the girl while i took his place.

incredulity.

i'm like so proud of myself la. i can type fast ok. even if it's only with two fingers. as vivien pointed out. she's just jealous cuz i got a vaio and she can't get her hands on her apple yet. hahahhaha.

I miss my best friend. =(

random random random. in a random mood too. hahaha. so what's a random mood? 10:19:00 AM

let me in. let me into the dark place you cannot show. please please please. i wish so much to be of some help. I feel sad cuz you are sad and you didn't tell me. you don't tell me anything. guess you don't trust me enough. or something. why is it i am here to listen and understand but you refuse to let me and then you ask if there is anyone willing to understand. maybe you mean a specific someone and i'm not her. i feel like crying. it's so difficult liking someone who is oblivious. or choosing to ignore. it's so.... hard.....

am i the only one holding on to these memories. while you guys have created new ones. so i'm left holding the threads of my own sanity. and all because i don't forget.

what happened? hurt happened. and i physicalised it. understand? i think not. 8:25:00 AM

i'd rather have platonic than nothing at all. so there.

bailey's is nice. yum yum yum. could get addicted. 11:30:00 PM

'nothing' always means something. and 'nothing, really' always means something big.

the past few days passed by in a blur of colours, where i was on a perpetual high and practically floating due to various reasons. lack of sleep, too much caffeine and something else.

i'm sorry to all who saw me cry. i didn't mean to and it must have been under the influence of the stuff. sorry. sorry i put everyone in a spot. all those who didn't know what to do for there was nothing you could do. it's not anybody's fault. all mine. for not knowing when to stop. for always going to the limit before knowing that the limit is too far. sorry.

sometimes you lose your inhibitions. you cry where you don't want to and say stuff you didn't mean to tell. but sometimes it's during these times that you can let go for under normal circumstances, you could probably never let it out and it stays stuck inside. always. so it may not be a bad thing after all.

don't be so nice to me. i'm not used to it.

and how do you know i'm a nice person. everything could be a facade. i'm not nice. wake up.

do you or do you not? how come i feel that you do but you told me that you don't. i'm kinda confused. not just a bit. this time it's a lot. 8:18:00 PM

you'd never believe it. i stumbled upon a blog where the words reflected my thoughts and the blogger's name was amelia. and she was from rgps.

see what she said:it's hard when the world gets increasingly complicated but you wish to shut yourself up in your world of simplicity.it's even harder when you find that your own world isnt all that innocent after all, because the barriers are never total, and the invasion, penetrating.is it such a wonder why teenagers like to angst so much then?when they're neither here nor there, when they're never sure of whether it's ok or not, because it all depends on who's concerned?when they straddle the lines between a childish compliance (that is all too attractive) and an apparent call for rebellion and wisening-up (which may just be a corrupt lie)?

i wish i'd written that. if i could only put the mess into words maybe i wouldn't always have a headache.

sometimes you find unlikely links to suit what you want to think. so sometimes when you think you know something, when you think something may or may not be, it most likely is not. for the unfathomable mind draws lines where there's emptiness, connecting points that are seperate. that were not meant to be connected. perhaps lines should have been drawn another way but they weren't and you end up with quite a different picture from the one you should have had. and you end up deceiving yourself and thinking what you want to think. it doesn't make sense. but it's what we do.

pockets of emptiness when the mind goes blank and the eyes drift close while struggling to stay open. what happened to the time? where did it all go. everything's gone. but yet nothing is. it's still all here. but somehow different. perhaps it's just as she says. that time destroys everything. same place same destination but years down the road, everything looks different. it's not the same anymore. someone has clearly moved the sky. maybe that's why.

sometimes i still forget you are dead. that you are just not here anymore. forever. still get the urge to talk to you. to tell you something. sometimes i feel this is like one of those dreams you get where if you wish hard enough you will wake up. haven't i dreamt of people dying before. haven't they always still been there when i woke up? so this shouldn't be any different. it's like you are not really gone. maybe you've just taken a holiday away somewhere for awhile. it's a bit ridiculous the way i think. isn't it.

almost like i can't face reality. everything is an illusion. like in a circus.

'he just forgets sometimes that couples, like body cells, have a kind of permeable barrier between them. she is tired out by love. tired of love.'

does that sound familiar? have we not all experienced it? but why does it come back to haunt us. over and over. like an unwelcome stranger. a middle of the night intruder.

sometimes it all boils over. that's when i keep quiet for if i spoke everything will spill out. and i will regret later. sometimes it recedes into nothingness. that's when i keep quiet for there is nothing left to say. an empty void.

maybe i should start retaliation. it's actually kind of good to fight back sometimes. not keep quiet as i always do. i'd forgotten the sensation almost. but it came back yesterday. maybe sometimes it's better to say something rather than keep everything in.

of course i knew my dear. i chose not to pry. but i knew. do you think i don't know the feeling? do you think i haven't been through it? not once, not twice, three times, the wrenching of the heart when you hear, the tears that never seem to end. the sudden lost of interest in life. what does it matter when it's all going to end. the sudden quiet when you go past the place you've been with them before. the guilt that you are actually enjoying yourself when they are not able to do so anymore cuz they are gone. the guilt that you'd forgotten. for a period of time. when you said 'again', i knew. i may not seem to perceive things because i seem to always be in my own world. but trust me, i do see the things that i choose to see. that are important. if ever you need to talk i'll be just here. if you don't need to talk and just need the presence of somebody to let you know you are still alive, still existing, i'll still just sit and accompany. and i hope that will help. and i hope i can help.

will anybody do the same for me. 7:41:00 AM

hmmm. why like that? don't understand. sad. you get sad when you don;t understand cuz you are guessing. but you get sad when you know too cuz it's not the answer you want. =( boo. sucks right.

don't like the feeling of not knowing. don't like the idea of you controlling. don't enjoy you not knowing. Know what I mean.

when the timing is right the stars and the universe align to assist you in achieving your goal. what if it's never the right time. what if i miss the right time. what if. what is. what not.

what if all i'm destined to do is wait. but what i'm waiting for never comes. won't that be a bit sad. 9:02:00 PM

so i've not updated for a week. what a week.

let's see. i can't remember what happened in the week!! haha. there was FOC again, which is ok la i guess. but i hate fright night can. i dun believe all of you people who said you were not scared were not scared la. don't act cool. hahhaa. but i guess it wasn't as scary as the one they had at scamp. I'm glad. I'd just have died or sth la. AND. Ntu people start school today. and we start next week. i don't want. and i dunno what i should take for my last module. speaking of which bidding has already started. hmmm. i hope the people dun go crazy with their points.

ANYWAY. i finally got the laptop. and the phone. hahaha. so happy.

but. why do you people always have to do that. i hate it. it pisses me off. like seriously. over the stupidest things. there are so many things i wanted to say. things i typed out and deleted cuz they were too harsh. but they are what i think. if you guys would just change a little slightly from your extreme, if you would just give a little then maybe things wouldn't be this way. grrr. so pissed with you both sometimes.

I hope you will be alright. i hope i can help. i wish you would say more. but you wouldn't. at least not to me i guess. so just wish you would take care and be ok. hope i can make things better at least for the short periods of time when i talk to you.take care ok? 9:57:00 AM