i know i must pull through it. i know i must be strong. i know i should stop dwelling on the past. i know i must forget it and concentrate on doing better.

but how?

how do i pull myself out of it? when i so feel like giving up on everything? how do i face the humiliation? how could i have let myself fall so low in the first place? and now that i'm here, how do i climb back out?

everything is taking it's toll. and i just don't have the willpower anymore.

please help me. 2:31:00 PM

do you know having posted the entry before, i realized that throughout the two months that he and i were together, the memories, although present were never as memorable or sweet. most seemed to be tinged with something else. at first it was because he was going into army. then it was connie, his ex, blah blah blah. the stuff somehow seemed tainted. i was never so delirious with him. i thought i knew what it was. but again, it's back to my relativity theory. relative to what i've experienced since, well. i guess. i never knew did i? i was never really happy with any of them. yes. even with you, most memories were bittersweet. but there is that sweet happy element. and a lot of times, i'm genuinely happy before i remember. then it becomes bittersweet. i don't know if i make sense. but. yea. i'd never felt that one could truly read another's mind until i met you. i could hardly believe it when you read mine like an open book. all the time. you know when i mean what i say and when i'm lying. i suspect you even know how i'm reacting to what you do. and therefore you know what to do to achieve what you want to. that's good and bad in a way. because you know me, but i dont know you as well. i remember what i once wrote somewhere else, about it being uncanny that there are so many coincidences. yet another reason why i think it's sad. it's hard to find a friend who shares so many things in common with you isnt it? oh well.

i will stop dwelling on this. 4:50:00 PM

i post this with a heavy heart. because i denied myself the truth. and only now am i made to see that everything was in my head. only after all that has happened. i send messages sometimes in the middle of the night when i'm not conscious of what i am doing. but i remember now that i did message you. i said sorry. and you didn't reply. i'm sorry then. i finally really get it. haha. i'm sorry i hadn't gotten it earlier. ryan is right. maybe it's not possible to be friends in such a situation. it's so saddening that when i have finally found a friend like you, someone with whose character i will not meet a second time. it's so sad that the camaraderie is lost. i spent time with you almost everyday for a month. it is unusual that one can feel so comfortable with another in such a short period of time. you picked me up when i was degrading myself over what had happened. when i blamed myself for everything, you comforted me and showed me how it wasn;t really my fault. when i cried, you cried too. you made me study while i was falling asleep. you discuss topics with me in a way i've always liked. you make me laugh when i'm determined to be disagreeable. thank you for all that you've done. but i guess. 缘分已尽了。thank you for the sweet memories. thank you for being the great friend you were. if i was... maybe things would have been different. maybe it's true the saying that if you love someone you should let him go and if he is yours he will come back. otherwise he was never yours to begin with. i'm not saying i love you. but i may have. well i'll never find out will i? i'll never forget the day you wrote what you did on my fingers. haha. it came as a... shall i say bittersweet surprise. similarly i will not forget how it felt to... all these things i will not forget. maybe in the future, when i've changed, maybe one day things will be different. i hope. maybe you will still be there, maybe you will not. but once in my life, to have met someone like you. it makes me glad. i'm sorry things cannot go back to the way they were. but maybe it's for the best.

wait for me. please. you don't know my blog. and won't see this. and so i'm putting it down as a silent plea. wait for me. take it as my birthday wish. please. 4:14:00 PM

does it mean something when you receive so many birthday wishes but only the one line message from the one person makes you smile? 12:36:00 AM

i try to go to you for help. but your caustic remarks don't give me any solace. you often blame me for not talking for not confiding for not everything. but is it any wonder that i do that? when he confided in his parents, he got assurance, comfort, encouragement. i never get that. instead i just always get more and more scared. i'm in such a panicked state now i don't know what to do. how do you want me to go forward? 9:31:00 AM

i don't like you anymore. not even as a person. and i hope you don't see this because it's bound to hurt. perhaps i should explain myself. i'm not such a heartless person. you have shown me time and again how self centered you truly are when everything is broken down. you have shown me how it all boils down to you you you. and why do i want someone who is all about himself as even a friend. friends care for each other. they are concerned about the other's well being. apparently a lot of the things you've said and are saying, you don't even mean them. if you don't say the things you mean to others, how can you expect others to say the things they mean to you? 9:31:00 AM

help me. help me. i'm going crazy. i shouldn't. but i am. so help me. 12:47:00 PM

i now know truly how i felt about you. i now see you clearly for the person that you are. perhaps it's only me. but at least to me, this is the kind of person you are and i know. and it's enough that i know now. it doesn't matter what others perceive you to be, and hence in relation perceive of me. but i know. and that's all that matters.

i watched 1 litre of tears and cried buckets. perhaps not all the tears were called for. perhaps i'm crying for more than the girl in the show. perhaps it's more for me and the situation i'm in. perhaps i'm crying because a lot of times, a lot of things are unreciprocated. everybody goes through this do they not. i'm crying for the callousness humans can show to other fellow humans. i'm crying for the lightning speed at which decisions and feelings can change. i'm crying for the fragility of life, for the weaknesses of man. i'm crying for the inconstancy and the fickle mindedness of man. i'm crying for the things i cannot have, and the greed that makes me want them. i'm crying for the way my heart craves for what my mind knows i cannot get. i'm crying because i know that in this life nothing is perfect, and if there does appear something which is perfect, then that thing cannot be real. and then i'm crying because i've been stupid for thinking it was. or that it could continue. i'm crying because i've seen the deceit in people and i hate it. i hate that i cannot see it before it's too late. i'm crying for the stubborness of some that prevent dreams from coming true. i'm crying for the fairytales that can never be, i'm crying for the hopes that fell flat. i'm crying because you are not here.

there is this sense of hopelessness you feel when things don't work out the way you want them to. i've felt it five times in my life. three times due to studies and twice not. it's a kind of disappointedness that is so intense you just want to give everything up. some things make you challenge your principles, your beliefs. to a point where you have no idea what is right and what's not anymore. to a point where i have no idea what i want anymore. or whether there is any point in wanting.

i'm stuck in this limbo where i don't know how to go forward, and yet there is no way back either. i feel like just wasting my life away. but i don't want to.

i envy you. honestly. more than i can say. what you said was true you know. even though you meant it as a joke. but it is true.

why can't i be just a little bit like you.

i feel crap about your crap message. don't you know how to be more diplomatic. i feel crap about you because of what you said. i have no clue at all if it was real. i wish it wasn't. but deep down, i guess i know it actually is. it is kind of fast. but then again, everything happens quickly. i wish i can fast forward this part and see what happens next. i wish i knew what will happen to me. i do believe in destiny after all. so i know that whatever will happen to me will happen and if i could just turn the time forward a tiny bit, i would know.

i looked back on my past three years. so much has happened. more than anything that has ever happened to me in my whole life. i've gained so much, but lost so much too in the process.

this week i was away, i had lots of time to reflect. on everything. cuz again, we went to places near the sea. my sanctuary. and i felt like i could think better about things and clear my thoughts. sweep away the debris. but then i come back again and everything just became more confused. more complicated. more painful.

save me. 2:44:00 PM

haven't updated in so long that i think this blog has probably been abandoned as a read. i've been feeling angsty of late. stupid people with no brains are annoying the hell out of me. ok. that seems to imply i'm smart. i'll change it. jerkish people with no heart have been annoying the hell out of me. maybe i'm just resigned to it. i give up. honestly. treat people nice and all you get is injured. haha. how lame is that. give it up girl.

damn you man. what the hell do you think you are playing at. playing pitiful to obtain sympathy doesn't help your cause. i've seen through you at last, and all i see is crap.

and yet another person who i'm irritated with, this one not quite so jerkish. in fact not at all, i think, i got nothing to say. i;m sorry. i hope you are sorry too. for what you're putting me through.

i hate to name names cuz i'm scolding the people. haha. maybe you guys are sneezing. well. i dont care. at least that;s better than crying. 8:10:00 AM