it's kind of hard, but maybe not so hard after all. i really want to give up now. 1:24:00 AM

oh so many happenings i'm just extremely pissed with kh and nixon what with whatever dynamics they've got. argh. i'll miss sam when she leaves. =( and certain person annoyed me that day but he was also really nice to me so i feel guilty for treating him so shoddily. i'm callous i guess. damn. but i cant help it i dont like him. i cant help liking X though i suspect that may be dying soon. it hurts i guess. rejection hurts. damn.

i need to get over this obsession i'm having and no i'm not talking about X. only about me. or i might kill myself someday.

i will do it. i will. i promise i will do it. properly. jiayou amelia. i can do it.

sometimes i'm extremely envious and i'm guilty of devious thoughts. i'm sorry. sorry sorry. you're my friends. i love you. sorry for evil thoughts. 2:05:00 AM

it's been riots of emotions, rollercoasters, ups and downs. i'll admit that it's partially to do with the dramas i've been watching, but mainly it's just me. i know i shouldn't keep liking shaun but somehow i just cant help it. i try not to read too much into is actions, i try to give him up, i try. but each time he is nice i hope. it's like my heart and mind are two seperate entities. i know i will be hurt if i keep putting myself out like that. but what can i do?

i've been guilty too of other things. like treating my dad evil. but why must he make things so hard? =(

i need to stop the retail therapy business. it's not working.


春天慢慢一點點發芽
快樂開始都有了想像
城市光合作用的模樣
幸福開始組裝

夜裡滿園的茉莉花香
月光灑落看不見憂傷
旋轉木馬前那個廣場
愛情開始滋長

想你有時會缺氧
嘴角不自覺上揚
這是不是幸福的現象
胸口微微的發燙

想你有時會缺氧
臉紅呼吸不正常
這是不是幸福的症狀
不知不覺又缺氧

夜裡滿園的茉莉花香
月光灑落看不見憂傷
旋轉木馬前那個廣場
愛情開始滋長

想你有時會缺氧
臉紅呼吸不正常
這是不是幸福的症狀
不知不覺又缺氧

無法移動的夢想
就算沒有人鼓掌
我也不會受傷
不會稀釋的信仰
心穿越磚牆
在你的身旁

想你有時會缺氧
嘴角不自覺上揚
這是不是幸福的現象
胸口微微的發燙

想你有時會缺氧
臉紅呼吸不正常
這是不是幸福的症狀
胸口微微的發燙
不知不覺又缺氧 8:21:00 PM

心里有好多感触，都说不出口。也许是这几天看了一些台湾剧，也不禁很想要有完美的恋情，可是却又知道这种事情除了在戏中会发生，现实总是不可能如此幸福的。又或许是昨天跟两个好友在一起聊天的时候说的话，让我觉得自己可能要改变，就应为知道王子与公主的故事很难实现，也不应该要求太高。总而言之，很渴望就是了。也非常羡慕他们。我哪天才能找到那种幸福呢？ 10:48:00 AM

i'm scared. people can change. they can become violent, they can act possessed when the situation arises that pushes them over the edge. and even the people you thought you knew best could go crazy and turn against you, what more about a person i'm supposed to be so close to and yet feel anything but.
it's really dramatic but i'm so scared it will come true. this is really serious now, it's not play and it's not kidding. and i'm not dreaming. noone is going to snap their fingers and tell me to wake up if everything goes hopelessly horribly wrong. i think a snowball is building and i hope to god we are all out of harm's way when it rolls off the cliff. i'm scared. 12:05:00 AM

"Anywhere But Here"

When I'm in a crowd
Or on an island by myself
Silent or too loud
Wishing I was somewhere else

And I can't believe
You hit me fast and hard
When you turn to me and say
Never change the way you are

Trying to catch your eye
Things will never look the same
Now I can't deny
You're the moth and I'm the flame
There I go again
I should walk before I run
How can I explain
I can't stop what you've begun

I'm falling through the door
Flying 'cross the floor
When you look at me suddenly it's clear
You're burning up my dreams
Crazy as it seems
I don't wanna be anywhere but here
Anywhere but here

What goes on inside
Is a mystery no doubt
A roller coaster ride
I may never work it out
Here's the brand new me
Skates around and floats on air
I'm a sight to see
Rainbow colors in my hair
You have set me free
The one who gets me there

Here is the place where
My head is spinning
Time is beginning
To race away
You come to throw me
Knock me off my feet
You give me wings to fly
The world goes crashing by again


this reflects my sentiments exactly. was there ever anything so painful as unrequited 'love'? 1:40:00 PM