I miss Shyan. and Carian. and Jasmine. And even Andrew a bit. Sometimes... some things... i thought would remain, but they don't. when i left NJ, i thought the bonds forged would last. always. but they faded. sometimes i look at stuff and i feel that... i've been replaced. perhaps i never meant anything and that's why i'm so easy to replace. sometimes i miss people and i admonish myself for being so silly because i seriously doubt people will miss me or even think of me from time to time. so. why do i feel this way? =( 6:32:00 PM

Memory is the bane, and the source of anguish and pain. 1:22:00 AM

memory is the treasury and guardian of all things.

memory - it's where you keep the good times. your first kiss. those times you laughed till you cried. those times when cares seemed miles away. those times when you giggled with your best friends, or laughed with your mum. those times when you cried because somebody did something that moved you so. it's where you keep the people who have since moved on. people who have moved out of your life, but who, once upon a time shared good times with you. people who have passed away, and for whom you've forgotten the bad deeds and remembered only the good. it's where the good things reside. for some, it's the only place where the good things will ever be. perhaps the memories hold more good things than the future.

memory - it's where the things that hurt dwell. the first time you broke up. the time when your parents fought so hard you had to cover your ears to shut it out. the time you and your sister fought and you just wanted to kill her. the jealousy when your crush went out with a girl you didn't like. the envy when you realized that you didn't d as well as your friend. the sadness that you were not as smart as her. the hurt when everything just didn;t seem to work out. when people just didn;t seem to care. when your ex didn't seem to care anymore. didn't seem to care in the first place. memory. it hinders you from moving on. because you can't let go. letting go would mean letting go of the good times as well. and you can't bear that. because, you can;'t bear to forget something so beautiful you once had.

caught in the middle. what is one to do? besides. you can't erase memory just like that. it takes time. sometimes you want to anaesthesize yourself. but it doesn't work that way. you can forget. so what do you do? let your memories rule your life?

joon said the best way he can get over peiyun now would be to find a new girlfriend. but he says he wouldn't do that. it wouldn't be fair to the girl because she would know that he is just with her to get over her ex. even if he treats her real well and everything, somehow, some way, she will feel that she isn't special. i guess it's called woman's instinct. it;s an innate ability to detect these kind of emotions. it's unexplainable.

I know how it feels. and therefore, i advise you against it as well. don't find a new girlfriend when you haven't gotten over your ex, joon. she would feel like me. i can tell you it doesn't feel good. 6:12:00 PM

these two days have been blissful. truly. no words can describe. 4:39:00 PM

1 . TELL her she is beautiful (not hot, fine, or sexy)~
2 . HOLD her hand at any moment,even if its jus for a sec.~
3 . Leave her MSGs.~
4. CALL her when you MISS her (which should be quite often and don't bother about whether she's busy. She'll never be too busy for you. and if she is she'll tell you. after you call.).~
5 . When she is upset/scared,hold her TIGHT & tell her how much she MEANS to u.~
6 . Recognize e SMALL things,that mean e most.~
7 . SING to her no matter how horrible ur voice is.~
8 . WRITE her notes.(she loves them)~
9 . INTRODUCE her to family and friends,as ur girlfriend.~
10 . PLAY with her hair.~
11 . Pick her up,TICKLE her.~
12 . Sit in e park & JUST TALK to her.~
13 . Tell her funny/stupid JOKES.~
14 . Let her fall asleep in ur ARMS.~
15. TOUCH her cheeks as she sleep.~
16 . If she's mad at u,KISS her.~
17 . Bring her FLOWERS.~
18 . Treat her e SAME ard ur FRIENDS asu do when ur ALONE.~
19 . LOOK her in the eyes & SMILE.~
20 . Let her take as many PICTURES of u as she wants.~
21 . If you are in LOVE with her,TELL HER.~ 9:00:00 AM

how has it come to this? are my expectations too high? but it's only what i do for you. you hate your memories. well i hate them too. where do i fit in? hate means the feelings are still there. and indifference means they are not. not anymore. i don't see. i don't see how much you love me. i'm thinking maybe you don't. not really. i'm thinking maybe i'm giving all my heart to a guy who is after i know not what. i'm thinking maybe when he tells me he loves me, he doesn't really. i'm thinking maybe i'm just a stand in.

my standards are not too high. i don't think so. but you havent fulfilled any of them. is it so difficult that you just hold me tight and not speak. just hold me tight. let me feel like i will be safe forever as long as i still have you. someone who will hold me tight come what may. but maybe you won't. how come you don't care. you don't understand. but you don't try to understand. when you ask me something, i say nothing and you give up. then you say you are tired of these. you dont know how that makes me feel. like i'm someone not even worth the effort. i've always felt this way. so why is it that you are making me feel this way too. when i thought this time it was real. when i let myself fall. yet again. why do you not care. i'm beginning to think there'ssomething wrong with me. i might give up trying. i might just kill myself. there's no point to my life. no point. 9:57:00 PM

Guy Facts:
When a guy calls you
he wants to be with you
When a guy is quiet,
He's listening to you...
When a guy is not arguing,
He realizes he's wrong
When a guy says, "I'm fine,"
after a fewminutes,
he means it
When a guy stares at you,
he thinks you're the most beautiful thing in theworld
When you're laying your head on a guy's chest,
he has the world
When a guy calls you everyday
he is in love
When a (good) guy say he loves you
he means it
When a guy says he can't live without you
he's with you till your done
When a guy says, "I miss you,"
he misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else

Girl facts:
When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running through her mind.
When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply.
When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions,
she is wondering how long you will be around.
When a girl answers, "I'm fine," after a few seconds,
she is not at all fine.
When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why you are so wonderful.
When a girl lays on your chest,
she is wishing for you to be hers forever.
When a girl calls you everyday,
she is seeking for your attention.
When a girl wants to see you everyday,
she wants to be pampered.
When a girl says, "I'll love you forever,"
she means it.
When a girl says that she can't live without you,
she has made up her mind that you are her future.
When a girl says, "I miss you,"
no one in this world can miss you more than that 9:10:00 PM

sometimes when the world is so illogical you do the most insane thing you know and it's so illiogical in it's illogicalness that it seems logical. perhaps it's precisely that it's in this illogical world that such a thing can be done. elsewhere, it will probably not make sense. but here, it does. sometimes when the world threatens to engulf you and you are afraid of drowning, you cling on tight to whatever life support you can find. i'm drowning in these feelings and emotions. i want to know and yet i don't. i want to know. but what i know only drives the knife deeper. until one day it may be irreparable. and so i carve the hurts, stroke by stroke, building a delicate web until one day perhaps you'll see more dashed lines on me than solid lines.

i know i can never replace her. but will you one day think of me the way you think of her? she can't stand to be friends with you. because there are too many memories you share don't you see? that each time she sees you she will only think of what is lost. how about you? don't you feel the same way? why do you want to be friends still? because you feel bad? but the more she's there, the more you can never forget what you had. the more i can never enter your heart. can you see that? you claim that you are mine. but are you really? when you can think of her and wonder why i;m not like her. why i'm so different from her. are you subconsciously wishing i was her, just a better version of her? man is greedy. you want her good points and not her bad. maybe you want her good points to be present in me together with my own good points (if there are even any). maybe you want me to be a combination of me and her. maybe i have to learn how to be perfect.

i love you. you know i do. do you love me too?

i cut myself in the hope that each cut i make will reduce the pain a little. each line will perhaps heal a crack in my heart. god knows why i cut. maybe i want to feel the pain to know i am alive still. that even if one day my heart dies, as long as i can still feel the pain, i am still alive.

I noticed that i give you full access to my phone but you don't. i don't have full access to yours. what is it that you don;t want me to see? is there anything?

i dont know what you do. how often do you message her still? do you initiate it? why does she still have access to your email, your msn, your everything? and i don't. what does this all mean. that she has access to your heart too? and i don't? 7:34:00 PM

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry. i promised i wont do it again the last time. now i really promise. this is the last you've seen of it. no more angst. i promise. 9:49:00 PM

have you ever felt like you were so exhausted you can't move and you lie motionless on your back and all that is moving is your heart and the tears making tracks down your face, drying so that you still feel them even after they've long stopped?

have you ever felt a thousand miniature workers hammering inside your head, driving you crazy and still continuing till all you can hear is an endless continuity of noise? a cacophony?

Have you ever felt like you were living in somebody's shadow and try as you might you can't get ahead of that shadow and it becomes a part of you?

have you ever felt like you wanted to punch something real hard just to feel the pain?

have you ever felt so sad you thought your throat would collapse from unhappiness?

have you ever hated someone so much you didn't even want to think about it because you were afraid that if you thought somemore, your thoughts might bring you places, make you imagine things you didn't think you were capable of imagining, make you do things in your thoughts that are so evil they scare you?

have you ever felt your heart beat so fast you thought it might stop?

have you ever felt the way i do?

you break my heart. 10:35:00 PM

why does the sun still shine,
when it's raining deep inside.
what the eye cannot see,
is often the most real.

why does it merely snow,
when hailstorms of emotions rage.
where the eye cannot see,
is often the most raw.

when tears fall,
the criss crosses form,
a dozen 'hairline cracks',
a complicated web.

each tear a tear,
(both forms of them)
right through the surface,
and each tear seems to stop a tear.

sometimes all you want in the world is nothing more than to be held tight and safe. like when you were a child and your dad would hold you when you fell hard, stroke your hair and tell you "hush don't cry, everything is gonna be alright." when big strong arms came around and seemed to shield you from the world. and there are so many things you can want in this world. but right now right here, i know what i want most. and it's the simplest gesture. I would give everything i own, if only to feel safe and warm and loved.

i finished a book today. and i want to quote from it. but if i started, i would end up with the entire book on my blog probably. so why don't you guys, whoever is left reading my blog go read the book yourself - the tenth circle, by jodi picoult. 9:12:00 PM

sometimes you think something is real at this point of time. sometimes you have feelings that are so intense or so tangible that you think you will always feel this way. Then time passes and months, weeks, or even just days down the road something changes and you wonder how you could have ever thought your feelings real. sometimes you look back on things you wrote. which reflect past thoughts and you think you are so silly. because how could you ever have thought that? how could you not have seen something coming??

Was reading a friend's blog and felt really sad. she broke up with her boyfriend after less than a month. just shortly after a post that declared their love for one another. it is THAT fragile. it could be there one day and gone the next. Is it that love disappeared after she blogged that love entry? Or was it that she blogged that entry knowing that love did not exist in their relationship, and she was trying, through writing to bring the feelings into the relationship?

I don;t know. all i know is you should only trust yourself and not somebody else. because he might make you place your trust, only to disappear shortly thereafter, leaving you to pick up the broken pieces. the fragments of a once vibrant you. 8:08:00 PM

and honestly, i'm tired. of the constant guessing. 9:54:00 PM

1 month 1 month.

she's an invisible barrier. one i can't break through. neither do i know how i can overcome this barrier because it's invisible. the bad thing about having an invisible barrier is that you dont know it is there. you don't know where it begins and where it ends. you don't know what it is made of. is it made of wood? easily broken through? or of glass? bright and pure but brittle? or is it made of diamonds. hard and strong and unbreakable. at the beginning you don't know it is there and you walk right into it before realizing that in order to get to the other side, the only way is THROUGH that barrier. and then you realize you can't get through. then what? now what? do you choose to give up? or do you keep trying, keep persisting in breaking through till one day you either collapse in exhaustion or are so covered in bruises you can never recover?

Again i'm wondering. Again it's about you ken. 9:46:00 PM

so you walk the fine line and when you fall, you better pray your hardest that you fall on the right side.

let's see what the fine line divides:

Love and Hate. (that much is obvious)
Love and Lust.
Guilt and Love.
Friendship and Beyond friendship.
Friendly rivalry and Serious competition.
Being Protective and Being Controlling.
Envy(in a good way) and Pure Jealousy.
Tolerating and Giving up.
Choice and Duty.

So many other things that i cannot think of just yet. But so many. so often i walk the line and i'm tired of it. try to keep the balance and stay on the line, but so many times circumstances cause you to lean to one side and lose your balance. and then you wish to god you fell on the right side. but call it Murphy's law, or whatever you want, but somehow it always comes out wrong. you know? you somehow always seem to make the wrong decisions, things always seem to not go according to plan. I don't know. it's just screwed. 8:26:00 PM