what kind of person would have such a warped idea?! revenge? i'm not insane. or that cruel. even if people may think so. I'm stunned.

what's wrong with the world? has everyone gone mad? or is it that i'm the one who's insane and that's why everybody seems to be insane to me.

I've said what i said. what must i do now?

I don't care? good joke. if i don't care... well. there are so many things i can choose to do or not do if i don't care. if you choose to think i don't care there is nothing i can do. fine then. think what you will. as long as i know. it doesn't matter what you think.

it's all about choices isn't it.

what's privacy in a world like this? it's nothing. but i did not expect this. no i definitely did not.

what you don't know can't hurt you. so why does everybody choose to pry only to find out things they don't need to know. human nature is warped. this world is the result of a really really warped mistake. haha. isn't that funny.

please. however close two people are, there are still some things that have to be kept private. it's called privacy. some things i don't say don't misunderstand. it's not about you. my life is MULTI faceted. there are about a million aspects to my life, a million faces to me. a million things i worry and stress about just because i'm a worrier. it's in my character. so it's about so many things. i just happen to be a dreamer. dreamers don't talk. much. so what's the big deal.

chill out.

sit back, relax, take some coffee, let the shit sort itself out. it will eventually. everything always gets sorted out.

you have no idea what's going on so stop your accusations. stop accussing me of everything ok?! you want to be disgusted with me? you want to be pissed with me? you want to hate me? go ahead ok. you have no idea. so just think what you like. cuz frankly i'm too tired to bother about even arguing with you. see there's a reason why i keep quiet all the time. part of the reason is you. cuz i always lose arguments you see. so i give up arguing. in time i give up speaking too. cuz talking gets me into trouble. so basically i give up opening my mouth. i give up explaining myself. i don't see the point la seriously. people are always going to misunderstand my intentions and if i'm going to spend my time explaining everything. it's not worth it. if you don't know me, don't know the way i feel, then too bad. cuz i'm not going to bother telling you. you meaning everybody. so don't get paranoid. as i said, this is the way i am.

and how the hell do you know what's rubbish and what's not. is university rubbish? is destressing rubbish? then ok. i give up. i'll just shut myself in a corner and not do anything. will that suit you better? you think you know so much. always have. and i've always let you win. cuz as i said i don't even want to bother explaining to you something you can't even begin to understand. people say when others attack you, just let them. they'll go away after awhile. that has always been my approach. if you take it as a sign of defeat then so be it. if you take it that i admit you are right then so be it. if you think that i don't care, that's fine too.

everybody thinks i don't care anyway. so what's new. 8:34:00 PM

是不是在这个世界里注定就找不到完美的爱情？是不是女孩子就注定要受伤害？为什么女的总是那么痴心而男的又总是那么三心两意呢？那么善变呢？感情就只停留在那一瞬间吗？那一瞬间过去了，感情就这样没了吗？那么容易不见了吗？淡了吗？找得回来吗？

那说过的话就都不算数了吗？忘了吗？

真不想长大。如果时间能够停留，能够倒回，我宁愿没有碰见你。虽然也不是一点快乐也没有尝到，可是过后的伤，我看不值得吧？滋味不好受。如果尝到了甜就必定要吃苦，那我宁愿不要算了。什么都不要，这样的生活应该比较好吧？无兹无味好过太过投入，最后心如刀割吧？

外表的坚强，外表的笑容，隐藏着什么，你大概不知道吧。也大概不在乎吧。

祝你开心。 10:19:00 AM

Sentosa is niceee!!! haha. and we saw like married couples. awww. so sweet right? i know man. one couple were standing on a big tree and i totally melted. it was sooo romantic! haha. but tanning is a boring sport. hahaha. and we saw couples on the beach together. rachel says: i'll never bring my boyfriendto the beach to tan. haha. cuz all they do is watch their girlfriends tan and do nothing else. cuz they don't wanna tan
hahahaha. how funny is that.

and then after that we went to eat at breeks. the ice cream has too much sugar. i will just stick to macs ice cream from now on. no gourmet ice cream for me ok. hahaha. =) remind me if you guys go out with me. i always forget that i dun like them. hahaha.

had to go home for tuition. darn. haha. one of the sentences was: their sons' names were bernard and david. haha. what a coincidence man. both the names. i almost died laughing. today was a day of laughter. =)

I'm happy. =) it's a perfect day. 11:28:00 PM

Packed to the brim. i'm doing everything i can. Can't stand to do nothing. I exhaust myself everyday just so i can sleep. I do everything just so I can snap myself out of the numbness. I do anything just so I can feel the pain. Do you know how tiring that is.

went to the bloodbank yesterday to TRY to do a donation. haha. what a disaster that was. first, i forgot to bring my IC. of all the retarded things to do. and the day before I forgot my tennis racket when i went out to play tennis. My brain is a sieve nowadays. nothing stays in, nothing comes out. it's like i'm a walking zombie. haha. what's wrong with me. and then after I had gone home to take my IC and went back again, now they say my iron level is not enough.. haha. Oh man. talk about 力不从心。haha.

went to cycle with wendy and ruixin after that. the beach is niceee. I love the sea. and the cycling was really fun too since there was like no sun and lotsa wind. Overall it's damn nice. =) love the beach. went for supper/dinner with Shyan and jasmine and connie and justina after that. haha. just a bit off. and dinner was expensive. then went for Durian gathering which i didn't eat. yet again. haha. I seem to always find myself in a midst of durian lovers. hmm. i wonder why that is. haha. oh. and did i mention that strawberry sundaes are super nice? and did i also mention that we walked from Bedok to Kallang? WALKED? how far is that? just count. haha. i won't help you. damn cool la. we would have walked all the way to bugis if we hadn't thought we were gonna be late. which we weren't in the end. still waited so long. On my way home, at the bus stop, i saw this freaky old man who like just came to talk to me and he used some lame excuse to talk to me. damn retarded. even said he wanted to send me home. I was like so freaked out laaa. and nobody came to my rescue. haha. nobody was free to talk to me on the phone!! darn. freaked out man. haha. lucky i was smart and didn't even say or do anything. the only thing was that he knew what bus number i take. and i said i was going home. i was like so freaking scared he would stalk me home or sth. SCARY. reached home at like 12.30 am. haha. it was dark and i thought about the ghosts again. darn. hahhaa.

and I still wanna play Tennissss. And will be going to the beach today with rachel dearest! yessss. i'm gonna miss her when she goes back to US. =(

i think i'm either a lousy person or i'm a lousy-people magnet. meaning i attract lousy people. i think it's the former. =( 8:58:00 AM

when I do all these things i do. 10:23:00 PM

Pierced my ear yesterday. kinda thrilling. The kind of thrill you don't get anywhere else except 77th street, cuz the place is like damn dark. and you are kinda scared you will die of infection. (or get killed by your mom) hahaha. but damn exciting la. Vivien was supposed to pierce with me. haha. but i think 77th street kinda unsafe so asked her not to pierce in the end. ANYWAY they don't have discounts for two holes so what's the point of piercing together. hahaha. In any case, It was super cool. Kinda hurts sometimes though. A constant stinging that sometimes you forget but comes back suddenly, and suddenly it's damn pain. haha. but it will go away. =) at least piercing my ear is more constructive. =)

And then I had to come home for darn tuition which is like how retarded just tell me. I swear I can die. OMG. But see. i'm such a nice person. cuz throughout the whole thing i kept my temper except at the last one minute. See. I'm NICE. =) haha. the guy totally cannot speak english la. wanted to go out after that. cuz the night was still YOUNG! haha. so went out for supper. =) came home at like 1 am. speaking of which, what am i doing awake so early?? haha. Insomnia. Darn.

I need to pack my time with activities. it's almost a compulsive disorder now. I don't want to be left alone with only myself. But apart from that. I'm totally happy. =) trust me. wendy, don't worry. I'm NOT faking it. I'm REALLY happy. And vivien, I'm REALLY not hungry. haha. food does NOT make me HAPPIER. =) trying new things do. haha. even if it's stuff i don't like. like regular black coffee and piercing my ear at 77th street and drinking that alcoholic thingy that doesn't taste of alcohol. strawberry. yummm. =)

I realized that I can indeed get high! couldn't stop laughing and like got all warm and fuzzy. even though the dizziness was not welcome, but I CAN get high! =) hahaha. yayyyy.

Am i hysterical.

And anybody who is reading this, please pray for my friend and her friend. S******** please take care. Don't do anything you will regret. 7:59:00 AM

Will be going for the NUS SOW briefing later. and i forgot to draw money! ahh. darn. haven't seen vivien for quite long. will get to see the people later. and I miss tennis. Have officially run out of people to play tennis with. My neighbour is out of town and cheryl is at camp. darn. grrr. I'm so not happy about this arrangement. Haha. Need to find more people to play with. Improve my skills. Is my right arm getting bigger? tell me it's not. It can't happen so fast man. hahaha. but then again, why not? everything else happens so fast. haha. too fast. I can't believe I'll never step into Starhub again. well maybe not forever. but still. I'll miss the people la. As I already know, saying keep in touch to people you are not SO close with usually ends up with nothing. Grrr. I want a laptop. I want to stay in the hostel. but... if my mom is gonna give me the money instead, I'll rather have the Moneyyy. ahahhaa. Spending freak. How to make my allowance last? darn. hahaha.

i miss those times.
i missed you.

i am such a n emotional basket case
slap me!Thinking about thinking of you

Summertime think it was June
Yeah think it was June
Laying back, head on the grass
Children grown having some laughs
Yeah having some laughs.

You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

Drinking back, drinking for two
Drinking with you
And drinking was new
Sleeping in the back of my car
We never went far
Needed to go far

I don't know where we are going now
I don't know where we are going now

Wake up cold coffee and juice
Remembering you
What happened to you?
I wonder if we'll meet again
Talk about us instead
Talk about why did it end

You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

I don't know where we are going now
I don't know where we are going now

So take a look at me now 8:38:00 AM

On hiatus. I can't take it. 6:26:00 PM

just did some surfing of the net. What would it have been like if I'd never left NJ? What would it have been like if I had continued shooting? I miss all those times. Maybe... but what's the use of maybes. Everything stays this way. Memories fade and friends drift. Sometimes you try so hard to hold on to something and in the end you still lose it anyway. Is it not better to let things be. Sometimes you want things to stay a certain way forever, but it's not possible and you know it. You still can't help but harbor some hope. But in the end all you are left with is the emptiness.

Heartache. A certain depression you can't get rid of. I was kind of disappointed. But not really. Maybe i've come to expect it. Maybe in time to come it wouldn't hurt anymore.

You need to prioritize. If i'm not on that priority list, then maybe it's time to rethink it.

I'm not saying I need every minute. But at least let me feel important. Right now, I just feel like a spare. NOT a good feeling. =( I'm sure it's not too much. I shouldn't even have to ask. 10:21:00 AM

Can you hear the sound of hysteria? If not can you see it?

If you could, would you hear a sound quite unlike any you've ever heard coming from me? One that would make a Deaf man hear and a normal one lose his hearing. If you could, would you see the kaleidoscope of colours spinning wildly wildly out of control till it all fades out and all that's left would be a deep velvet darkness, one you can't penetrate, one you won't be able to find your way out of. My darkness. that which is within. That darkness which I can't find my own way out of. My own darkness.

It's all consuming. consuming me.

up Ahead of me there is a way out. A way that would bring me to the place I've always wanted to go to. But. Around me, there are all these distractions. and each time I get distracted I fall a little deeper in, a little farther from where I want to be. and each time I cry, my vision blurs and I fall a whole way back. and it's tiring to climb up the same way. I realize that some of the tracks have been made more than once or twice. I've travelled there more than once or twice. And I realize I'm tired. of seeing the same old things. things that were not worth seeing in the first place and only gets more draining each subsequent time.

Maybe it's me. Maybe it's simply because I'm not worth it.

*dreams*
1 . TELL her she is beautiful (not hot, fine, or sexy)~
2 . HOLD her hand at any moment,even if its jus for a sec.~
3 . Leave her MSGs.~
4. CALL her when you MISS her (which should be quite often and don't bother about whether she's busy. She'll never be too busy for you. and if she is she'll tell you. after you call.).~
5 . When she is upset/scared,hold her TIGHT & tell her how much she MEANS to u.~
6 . Recognize e SMALL things,that mean e most.~
7 . SING to her no matter how horrible ur voice is.~
8 . WRITE her notes.(she loves them)~
9 . INTRODUCE her to family and friends,as ur girlfriend.~
10 . PLAY with her hair.~
11 . Pick her up,TICKLE her.~
12 . Sit in e park & JUST TALK to her.~
13 . Tell her funny/stupid JOKES.~
14 . Let her fall asleep in ur ARMS.~
15. TOUCH her cheeks as she sleep.~
16 . If she's mad at u,KISS her.~
17 . Bring her FLOWERS.
18 . Treat her e SAME ard ur FRIENDS asu do when ur ALONE.~
19 . LOOK her in the eyes & SMILE.~
20 . Let her take as many PICTURES of u as she wants.~
21 . If you are in LOVE with her,TELL HER.~ 11:27:00 PM

是我做错了吗？这是单方面的吗？难道你就和他一样吗？怎么会哭了呢。

I shouldn't cry. I really shouldn't. But I can't stop. because. despite the short period of time, you've somehow become important. 11:24:00 PM

有时候会觉得自己很没用。怎么会感觉到很消沉，好像做什么事都抬不起精神来，都心不在焉。是因为你吗？我这样做，做对了吗？对自己一点信心也没有。=（ 真无奈。有时候会想知道，到底是自己的心理问题，还是真得不够好。怎么会感觉到周围的人个个都比我好。而且还是每一方面都比我好。这样也太夸张了吧。如果一个人真的是一无是处，那我该怎么办呢？

sometimes you just feel so depressed it's like the world just died. and you see everybody around you with all their problems and it just makes you feel even more depressed cuz your problems are minor compared to theirs. and suddenly you lose your right to feel depressed. and you try to console the others and you smile and laugh and joke. but you are really still depressed inside. but you don't have the right. and so you keep it in and cry at night. 9:50:00 PM

camp was fun. better than i expected, considering the company was all good. funny. hilarious actually. I'm glad. Now all I have to do is confirm that the course I had in mind is the course I really want. for the rest of my life. This is scary. it's almost like choosing a husband. Only worse. You don't want to choose one that everyone wants cuz you'll always feel insecure cuz the competition is so high. You don't want to choose one nobody wants cuz that means there's something innately wrong with the thing. Yet you need to choose one that is suited for you alone, one where you will feel happy even if you are stuck there forever. One that would see you through difficult times. even when everyone is retrenched, you've still got a job, even if everyone has divorced, you are still going strong. It's all life isn't it. You can want all you like but you are never gonna get the perfect life you see. so all you can do is make mistakes, hurt some, make more mistakes, hurt a lot. hurt yourself, hurt others and ultimately try to find the path that hurts the least. And choose that.

Day 1 was all the introductions and stuff, that was fun. Even though got seperated with the rest of the group I originally signed up with, I at least got to know more people. So that's good. =) And at least I already kind of knew myrna so that wasn't so bad. and then the games were fun even though I had to do a forfeit that was like seriously embarassing. I mean which ones aren't? haha. Mass dance was really cool as well. They love the indian song la. I'll bet you anything the NTU mass dance will include the song as well. HAHA! But I kinda hate the cheers. Like everything is in hokkien. - _ - that's kind of wierd I guess. I thought NUS was supposed to be the one that was ang moh. Supper at Fong Seng and saw Sophie and Germaine! Saw Corrine and Sarah sometime during the camp as well. Guess it isn't so bad after all. Quite a lot of people going there. Only not the one that matters. Not the ones that matter.

Day 2 was more orientation games, those that were kind of dirty and wet. Battle games was fun even though some people got a bit violent and like thrashed other people. I mean... What is their problem?!! It's just a game. Are they mad. Oh well. nothing much here, just got to know all the people a little better.

Day 3 amazing race, it was pretty cool. went to Ikea and had ice cream. I love ikea Ice cream. =) took a couple of neoprints with the group. I love neoprints too. =) hahaha. so overall it was a great day! even though we only cleared a few stations. haha! but that doesn't matter. who cares as long as we have fun. haha. I'm only glad I din't go for the night part cuz it turned out to be fright night and I'll probably have died inside, so better not to go. hahahhaha.

Day 4 was really fun. Arrived at Sentosa wayyy too early and helped the seniors to wrap water balloons which ironically were gonna be used on me later. Hmmmm. what's the point in that? hahaha! but it was fun nevertheless. They kind of opened my eyes a bit i guess. told me a bit about the course and all the competition going on and stuff. have no idea now if I should go ahead and ignore them or change to something else. after sentosa was cruise dining where We met our secret pals, and my secret pal already knew it was me from my voice in the morning so that was pretty anticlimax. but fun nevertheless. went for clubbing later which was kinda fun too even though I can't really dance, and there I realized that I can hold my alcohol. So no chance of getting me drunk. haha. how cool or uncool is that?!

Day 5 nothing much I was hoping there would be mass dance but apparently not. darn. just prize presentation all morning and then break camp. Lunch was canteen food which I have to say is NOT very nice. haha. darn. went home for tennis after that which was fun. =) love tennis.

slept from 6pm to like 7 am. That's 13 hours. I'm so proud of myself. i think i broke my records. haha. that's super cool.

Don't like the way it progresses so fast to that. almost like there is nothing else but that. Still don't know if there are any real feelings. Still trying to psycho myself not to let anything happen. I don't wanna get hurt. Because she said guys cannot be trusted. She said. Words are words are words. That's all they are. they could be empty promises built on clouds. I want to say stop. let us start over. I'll do some things differently. but now i can't. Now I don't know. I don't feel secure. Each time I think of what's gonna happen, my stomach turns and I feel like throwing up. I don't know if I should feel this way. I somehow don't think so. after all I'm supposed to have some faith. How can I when there doesn't seem to be anything other than that? I'm worried about the end of this month. Who knows what would happen. Nothing, everything. anxiety disorder. I should get a prescription. Wonder if you know the way I feel. Wonder if you care. really truly care. Do you even visit here. I think it's important. Shows you care what I think. Want to know the way I feel, try to understand me. But if not. then I guess maybe i'm not even worth this much time. I'm guessing not. I'd like someone who cares. someone who is attentive and sensitive. someone who is sweet and would come up with surprises from time to time. Someone who would romance me off my feet. Someone who would take care of me. Who would make me feel safe and loved and missed when I'm not there. Not someone who fits me round his schedule. I'm scared. 8:04:00 AM

Don't tell me you love me if you are not sincere
For a lie that strong can ruin my life and bring on a new fear.
Fear to be loved, fear to love ever again
It can cause my fragile heart to break, tear and bend.
Think of all in life that will be missed
because of one small broken promise
So, when I put all of my trust deep within you
Please don't tell me you love me, unless you truly do. 10:12:00 AM