it's nothing to do with what i think or how i feel, only to do with what you do. what anybody else does for that matter. it doesnt matter whether i like it. it only matters that you try something you think i would like. it doesnt matter that nothing happens. it only matters that you try to make it happen. it matters that you dont go 'next' the moment somethings goes slightly wrong. it matters that you dont show me that you neither care for me now nor cared for me before. it matters the amount of time taken. it matters how you dont treat me as a friend when nothing comes out.

and yes. i admit i am envious of you. you are a good friend. somethings going on i think. and thats why i am. so yes.

why didnt you say so earlier. although even if you had i cant tell you definitely what would have happened. but why didnt you? seems the timings never match huh. once it was me. not you. then it was you and i was unsure. then now. i dunno.

because something matters more to me. even though it's unattainable. but for now, i cant put it down. so.

他不愛我 - 莫文蔚

他不愛我　
牽手的時候太冷清
擁抱的時候不夠靠近
哦　他不愛我　
說話的時候不認真
沉默的時候又太用心

我知道他不愛我　
他的眼神
說出他的心

我看透了他的心　
還有別人逗留的背影
他的回憶清除得不夠乾淨

我看到了他的心　
演的全是他和她的電影
他不愛我　盡管如此
他還是贏走了我的心 10:39:00 PM

exams stress me out. like really. =( 11:02:00 PM

well well well. vivien's dog is super cute. and so's this comic:

8:48:00 PM

girls seldom mean what they say. and for that matter, they also seldom say what they mean. you gotta read between the lines and notice the details. because otherwise you wouldn't know anything.

many details have slipped past you unnoticed, havent they. it's a bit disappointing actually. i'm starting to realize. 10:15:00 PM

心里有些不安。不知道是否做错事了。感觉上好像令某人受到伤害了。对不起。不是有意的，真的以为如果不去想，不去承认就表示不纯在。显然的，我错了。等到现在才说出来，真的对不起，可是其实也都没关系，因为我已经开始尝试放下，可是为什么会是如此的难办到？其实这种无言的感觉在四月之前就已经开始产生了。却都一直不知道，就算是知道以后，也都不清楚，害怕，不敢。。。可是两个月前，终于鼓起勇气说出来，而结果却是这样。松手。放下。再见。如果有那么容易就好了。

为什么你一直就都沉默？都不说话？



好朋友

像兩首節拍不同的歌
卻又同時被愛情合奏
旋律勉強著
愉快不能夠假裝快樂
你心中有寬闊的天空
但空氣好稀薄

＃曾經以為等待會改變什麼 　
你總會屬於我 　
但是最後時間證明了 　
你只喜歡我＃

＊你說我比較像你的好朋友 　
只是不小心擁抱著 　
你道歉　你難過　
於是我給你笑容 　
誰在乎我的心　
還會不會寂寞＊

如果愛情是五線譜
我曾希望用全音符
吟唱出　愛上你　
那完整的幸福
但你的心沒有耳朵
即使我為你唱著歌
你也只　看見我哭了

＊你說我比較像你的好朋友 　
只是不小心擁抱著 　
你道歉　你難過　
於是我給你笑容 　
誰在乎我的心　
還會不會寂寞＊

＃曾經以為等待會改變什麼 　
你總會屬於我 　
但是最後時間證明了 　
你只喜歡我＃

＊你說我比較像你的好朋友 　
只是不小心擁抱著 　
你道歉　你難過　
於是我給你笑容 　
誰在乎我的心　
還會不會寂寞＊

你說過我是你最好的朋友
卻不應該再擁抱著
你退縮　你冷漠　
於是我放開雙手
不在乎我的心　
會永遠的寂寞




虽然情形不一样，心酸的感觉却是一样的。 12:59:00 PM

politics everywhere in every environment. how retarded. look. if someone seriously pisses you off, or you hate the sight of him/her, then have the guts to tell the person to his/her face. don't play mind games. it's not fun. not for the persons involved, not for the surrounding people. and if you don't hate him/her, then just stop hurting him/her, stop saying mean things, or doing mean stuff and basically treating him/her like your worst enemy. there are limits. and look, nobody forces anybody to take anybody else's shit. so if you choose to tolerate, then tolerate it properly. otherwise, just blow up once and for all. and if you guys don't wanna be friends, then dont be. cuz i'm sick and tired of the circular chain of repetitive depression between the pair. just quit it. quit jabbing each other with sticks or knives or whatever sharp objects you can lay your hands on.

and i hate liars and hypocrites and liars and hypocrites. 11:30:00 PM

it's difficult to think of the fact that whatever i'm going through now, you may also be going through, except in one case, i'm the protaganist and in the other the antagonist. it's hard to think that you may be feeling whatever i'm feeling towards X about me. if this even makes sense. and yet, it's not anything bad. just not good. just hard to deal with.

i'm at a loss. maybe thats what you meant nixon, about me being stressed and all. you know i laughed till i cried three times today. it's not THAT funny. and i kind of feel like crying now too. haha.


If we hold on together

Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope & glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying
Someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I 11:57:00 PM

have been reading blogs.. sometimes i feel.. totally ignored. and totally invisible. totally insignificant. oh wells.

i keep waiting for something to happen. i keep thinking that it will all slip away. and soon. so i wait for it to slip away. and because i'm waiting for it to all disappear, i'm not trying very hard to keep it near. and it may turn out so, that precisely because i don't show more care, it disappears. it's a horrid circular argument.

i feel... odd. i feel... nothing.

If i start trying to move on one day,
will you realise things are no longer the same?
If I start insisting i'm fine whenever you ask,
will you realise that deep down i'm totally not?
If i start speaking differently one day,
will you realise i've changed?
If i start avoiding you one day,
will you realise my intentions?
If i start to remain silent one day,
will you realise i'm seeing no point?

If i stop saying "it's okay" one day,
will you realise i'm beginning to mind?
If i stop talking to you one day,
will you realise i have no more to say?
If i stop listening to you one day,
will you realise i've had enough?
If i stop trying one day,
will you realise i've given up hope?
If i stop being the girl you thought you knew,
will you realise i am gone? 12:21:00 AM

sometimes you assign some people a certain role in your life. you expect them to act in a particular way, and most of the time, they do. so they kinda stay in the little box you want them to stay in. but sometimes, things are not so simple. cuz they are people and they too obviously have their own way of thinking and they do what they want to do, which may not always correspond with what you want them to do. so then you are surprised, shocked whatever, and maybe then you decide that you dont know this person as well as you thought and you are afraid that maybe because you dont know the person that well, you wouldnt know what their next move would be. you wouldnt know that the next thing they do might be something that hurts you. you become scared. and then you want to run away. or they may do things that you dont like them doing and then suddenly you decide that maybe you dont like this person anymore or maybe you dont like this group of people anymore. and then you start to distance yourself, unwilling to know more. perhaps if you knew more, the good might outweigh the bad? perhaps if you knew more you might find that the stuff you like outweighs the stuff you dont like? maybe you ought to give people chances. and stop running away. learn that not everything goes your way. learn to accept others too for their shortcomings. of course you have a choice of not accepting them, they dont need to be accepted by you per se anyway, you are the only one who really minds. so get over yourself.

i'm learning to.

if a man had a house, a big house but no family to return home to, what would he need the big house for? wouldnt he be really lonely? if a man had a family but chose to come to them only once in awhile, did it mean he didnt love them? if a man was inconsiderate, would he choose to struggle to get them what he thought they wanted? yet, if a man was considerate, would he not know what they truly wanted? would he force upon them something they didnt really want? but maybe the man did not think he was forcing it on them. maybe the man only wanted the best for them. where has the man gone wrong? yet maybe the man thought the way he did because of a certain wish expressed eons ago. maybe the man does not realize that ideals change over time. maybe his family is confused as to what they want, even as the man is working toward what they used to want. if a man wanted the best for his family, but only if things went his way. is the man really selfish? or is it just that he wants the best for everybody, himself included? in that case, the man is doing no wrong, after all, he only lives once, much as he may want his family to be happy, he himself wants a slice of happiness as well. don't blame the man.

wouldnt everybody be happier if we were all cavemen? what do we need technology for if it divides? what do we need advances for if all it does is create wars as to who should claim what credit?

WHAT credit anyway? can you bring credit to your grave? or fame or fortune or whatnot? isn't happiness more important? but happiness is built on material comfort. or is it so? if we truly had happiness, would we still need material comfort to fill the emptiness?

it still comes back to this: you cant unknow, unfeel stuff. just as how you cant unpaint a wall. or unplant a tree. the best you can do is to paint over, or chop down the tree. but something has changed. something is lost in the process. that something may be the key.

we are all funny creatures. we want what we cant have and we dont want what we have. we take for granted what we have till the day it's gone and then we mourn its loss regretfully. we covet what we dont have till the day we have it, and then we dont want it anymore. what kind of warped twisted mindset is that? 5:07:00 PM

amelia is turning into mrs frankenstein. how. 10:02:00 PM

hey all, i'm feeling better today so no worries alright? *huge smile*

ANYWAY. had another dream yesterday. there was a splinter in my foot. and when i woke up i had to check to see if it was there cuz i wasnt sure if it was a dream, it seemed really real. is there a reason why my dreams all seem like reality these days?! 10:59:00 PM

you know, i've been through it before. even the arguments are similar are they not?? they sound awfully familiar. i'm sure i've voiced them out before, if not, at least i've thought them before. in my head somewhere. so many things are in there. sometimes i feel like getting a shovel and throwing out some stuff. they cloud my judgements.

so in many ways we are similar. or at least i was similar to you at the same stage, going through the same stuff. so i understand what you are going through. kind of. in some ways, i envy you. and yet. you dont know. you accuse me of things you know nothing of. you think you know. you think you are the only one going through them, and that nobody knows how you feel. but you dont, and you are not. i've been through exactly the same thing once. then, did you know? now it's a different thing altogether. but now, do you know? no, you didn't and still dont. twice you've pained me this week dear girl. albeit unknowingly one of those times. but still. i dunno what can close this gap. i think nothing much, honestly.

but girl, i'm sure i've never hurt you the way you hurt me. all the time. you did it when we were younger. you are doing it again. should i say thank you? because i dont know what to do.

we are all in our little boxes, hurting seperately. not communicating, not able to. not properly anyway. but i love you all anyway. i'm sorry it doesn't seem possible to convey it face to face. it was just never done, and it's hard to break habits. i hope you know anyway.

please please please please please. if there's a god, grant me guidance and wisdom. thank you. 9:16:00 PM

there are so many conflicting feelings, everything is so confusing, so many doubts and so much angst. i REALLY just want to hide in my shell and run away. what if i'm doing everything wrong? what if i'm making the wrong decisions? yea i can change it, but every choice affects our life in some way no? what if it's effects cannot be erased? i had a bad dream yesterday. it seems i havent had one in a pretty long time. at least not so i wake up still crying. it was a betrayal of sorts, one being the closest person to me, family. her words cut deep. painful. the other a friend. the fact that they both appeared. means what? some kind of fear? irrational? or grounded fear? i'm not so sure.

sometimes i feel like i'm invisible.

on a lighter note, we learnt cranberry morphemes in EL class. here is a sample, just for laughs
http://beebo.org/smackerels/how-i-met-my-wife.html 8:39:00 AM

left behind and forsaken. parting words: life's like that. accept it.

ok. 7:59:00 AM