i just realized i made a mistake. and before people start realizing, i'd better clarify. i didn't mean to say 'they' in the second post below. i meant to say 'we'. yea. me included. i only meant humankind in general. and i am. human after all.

i want to go hang gliding. next item on the list.

scuba diving. check.
skiing. check.
visit europe. soon to be fulfilled.
hang gliding.
sailing.
surfing.
parachuting.
sitting in a hot air balloon. (a real one)
windsurfing.
para-surfing (? is it called that?)
live in a glasshouse.
experience a real snowfall.
have a house by the sea.

That's all i can think of. for now. greatly lacking in 'checks' i need to plan. =) 7:50:00 PM

recoiling
shirking
running away
escaping

I wish I could go back to the dive boat

Lie back against the sea
The sky is a blanket
And the constellations a guide
The stars are all out tonight.

Waves crash starboard side
The troubles washed away
A shooting star -
A wish that flies.
(For you wish upon a star,
Especially one that is rare.)

A land away from home
Distance placed
Felt like a gulf
One that stretched and widened

Retreat? Or Withdrawal?
Seclusion my sanctuary
An endless winding road
All uphill with nowhere to escape

Suffocated, Stifled
Find the space to breathe
Stop and smell the roses
The tulips are smiling today

Leave them behind
Shed the cumbersome skin
Flit away like a butterfly
Emerging from it's coccoon
Breaking the bondage
Escaping the repression

Release, liberate
Rejoice in the freedom
A breath of fresh air
In the airless room
Cold and refreshing
So, Awaken.

Now. 9:05:00 PM

so i'm back from my two day retreat.

escapism. from reality. it's a relief. sometimes you feel like a pressure cylinder, filled up so high the guage looks just ready to explode. you need to turn the pressure valve to release some of it, need to take some time off for yourself. with no contact, no worries, no aim, it's perfect. i don't have to think about all those problems that i have. just only when i want to. i don't have to think of the people who are giving me problems. knowingly or unknowingly. sometimes i think maybe i want to be alone. forever. i won't have to worry about others then. or consider their needs. why should I? when nobody does the same for me. it's my life after all.

Just staring into the ocean, with the waves and the breeze calms me down almost immediately. it's therapy. is it any wonder then that i love the sea. it's the constancy i guess. everything just sort of fades but the sea is always always there. people suck. firstly, they are evil and like do all those crap things. all they know how to do is hurt other people. and now they are trying to harm the sea too. bring the constant thing down so that the world is as inconsistent as they are. they try to conquer the elements that they may feel powerful. it's so pathetic it's almost sad.

i thought i didn't like scuba diving. not on the first day at least. but the second day was pretty cool. saw lots of nice stuff. swam around. if only we could have had more time to ourselves.

ken. you post your blog to people using only 'you'. its almost like you are afraid of mentioning names. almost like if you don't mention names, nobody will know who you are talking about except the person themselves. and most of the time that is true i guess. but maybe it's just that you are afraid. afraid of what others might misunderstand. i'm just guessing here. so don't go defensive on me. it's almost like you are afraid if you write the names down they will find out. or others will know stuff about you you don't want them to know. it's like you are hiding behind your shield. or shell. does it help you then? maybe so.

these two days i've thought about stuff and i'm just not sure anymore. about the way i feel. maybe i've never been sure but have been forcing myself to be sure by using actions and words. i don't know. so. what do i do?

i need another retreat. or rather, i just need to go live in a cave for awhile. so that everybody will just quit bugging me. i want a cottage by the sea where i will just live by MYSELF. i will walk along the beach everyday collecting seashells and sitting on rocks just staring at the sea and i can keep quiet and noone will ask me why i'm so quiet. noone will force me to talk. because maybe i don't like to talk much. maybe i like to talk only when i want to. maybe you have to keep quiet to enjoy the tranquility of the sea. i can be noisy at times but i have my quiet moments too. so dont disturb me when i have them. i get irritated. i need to disappear. i need to clear my head. i need to understand.

maybe i'm just a fickle person by nature and should disappear off the face of this earth in case i hurt more people i don't want to. maybe i should only have friends. and not let anyone come any closer than that. 10:44:00 AM

Acts of Love

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt." Chris - age 7

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4 11:26:00 AM

They sought for the best,
Above all else.
Neglect; a concept,
Incomprehensible to them.
For they provided,
And they thought it adequate.

A young child,
He clung.
Unable to understand,
The loved ones
Who... took leave.
Who 'abandoned'.

A lonesome figure
On the 'rocks'.
A shadow cut across
The unmarked sand.
Silhouettes of
Broken souls.

Care, love,
These she gave.
Silently, completely, unwaveringly.
For emotions needed no words.
Nor actions
So she thought.
If you loved someone,
You just knew.
And so would he.
So she thought.
But...
Apparently not.
She couldn't...
Get it.

A gentle wave,
The seahorse's mane.
The soft breeze,
A butterfly's breathe.

They knew neither of
Consequences nor effects,
They knew not of
Hurt and regret.
These things they learnt,
A little each time.
And each time
They grow a little stronger.

He never understood,
And never saw.
The tears that stained,
That dried only when,
She fell deep into sleep,
Exhausted, fatigued.
By the emotional turmoil
He subjected her to.
The piercing of the heart,
The twist of the dagger.
A cruel fate,
A mirthless smile,
That those above seemed to display,
All in return to,
Simple, mere, harmless
- unconditional love.
All these he never saw,
- the pain of it all.

He left,
Without a backward glance.
Fleeing from,
The war of words.
Where every word stung
Both parties just as bad.

Why the world engages
In harmful sport.
Why they revel
In other's hurts.
Why they seek
Joy in other's sorrow.

Unfathomable is it not.
But yet.
We indulge.
Every single day.

You hurt without thinking,
You hurt thinking that you don't.
You hurt while doing 'good'.
You hurt because you are hurt.
You hurt, afraid of getting hurt.
You hurt. when you're scared.
You hurt. period.
You hurt. we all hurt.
And bled,
Crimson wine.
A deep dark red
With metallic twang.

Doubts wreak havoc,
In an otherwise calm existence.
Fear begets fear,
Attracted to each other
Like lovers of the night.
Unwitting, helpless.

In another lifetime,
She brought the pain
To the surface
When it simply couldn't be held inside
Anymore.
In another lifetime,
She subconsciously did things,
She knew not what.
In another lifetime,
She listened to her heart.
And regretted.

What happens,
When heart and mind conflict.
Which wins out?
And which backs out?

Love is but a dream.
Perfection hopeless.
Eternity impossible,
And fear ever imminent.

Forget-me-not.
Leave-me-not.
In love, or out.
Hurt - an archived word?
Say only what you mean,
Say only what is true.

Will more scars appear,
Or will the other lifetime,
Remain the other lifetime,
Never showing it's ugly head again?

They sought for the best,
Above all else.
And still do.
Above all else. 9:51:00 AM

reading other people's blogs always makes me depressed. or makes me think a lot. like i said, i think people only blog when they are depressed. otherwise, there is no point in sounding like a retard and saying things like: "i went to kent ridge today. it was a enlightening walk where i learnt about the many different plants and animals living behind my school. it was a happy but tiring day." no. there is really no point in blogging sth like that. seriously RETARDED. hahaha.

seems it's the depression season. someone told me that day that there are times throughout the year when there appear to be more relatinships happening or disintegrating. apparently, break ups normally happen from maybe april to november or something. and people usually get together like end of the year to march or sth. maybe it's the christmas season and what not.

just random thoughts.

got to thinking about you. the way you used to be when we kind of knew you. but not really either. you were always an enigma. at least to most of us. even those closer to you probably never knew much about you. a mystery. but love makes you mad does it not? what happened? you've changed. i'm not sure if that's good or bad. all the best for the both of you anyway. hmmm. food for thought. have i changed? but i always was this way. hopeless romantic yea?

how is it that you so often mistake a younger child for the older one and the older one for the younger one? is it that the older child usually wants to be the younger one and subconsciously acts so? and vice versa? i don't know.

the house upstairs is making wierd noises. my house is creepy even in the day. what is the world coming to??

there are times when you have the inspiration and times when you don't. it seems after going to starhub, my inspiration has left me. perhaps it's the fatigue. i want it back. i want to write again. help.

love.
music.
fine art.

simplicity.
that's all i ask.

and throw in some surprises.

perfection. 10:58:00 AM