sometimes i feel smaller than an ant. like i'm going to suffocate in the fluffiness of this big white marshmallow ball that exists in my head. and i cant even push it away cuz its too soft, and all i succeed in doing is making a little dent that soon bounces back out.

and the ball just keeps knocking me down, over and over and over.

i desperately need to get out. i need to smell the sea. i need to cycle. i need the speed. the rush. the wind. the air. the space. it brings so much comfort you couldnt imagine. and yea i know. this is but a small setback. but you dont know that these small setbacks have been setting me back for so so long. so many many times. i might snap. it brings endless grief to know that i can never be good enough. for i've been proven to not be good enough for 8 years. 8 fucking years. and counting. cause for cursing i would say.

each time i think i could do better this time. and each time i crash, like falling from the second floor. each time a few bones break. when will that final vital bone holding everything together break which will cause me to fall apart. 9:54:00 AM