been feeling awfully nostalgic of late, which i guess is apparent from the things i've suddenly started to miss so so much. i dont know why it is that now, of all times, these bits and pieces come back to me, coax me into dreamland with their brightly coloured landscapes and vibrant sounds. did i ever feel so happy as i imagine i must have felt in the past? when did it all slip by? i'm not old yet, but already i feel a sense of loss, of times that cannot be relived, of the clock that cannot be turned back. somehow, i cant seem to remember quite so clearly anymore the pain, and all that prevails is the bright laughter. the joyful sounds.

the number of days left to this vacation is swiftly dwindling. soon, it'll be back to the hectic pace. not that it isnt now, but the feelings of idleness, the languid mornings spent daydreaming, staring out of the window, the tennis sessions, will disappear from the foreground for awhile i guess. time flies in university. it's like living in a different time warp from the rest of the world, such that the lapses, the periods are measured not against our own standards, but another. while we have our vacations, people are still at school. in the middle of our vacation, their vacations start. give it another month, school starts for them, and ours start a little later. then at the end of the year, its the other way around and their vacations kick off first. time passes exceptionally fast when it's broken down into smaller divisions. you feel like you are just taking a short break, but you've wiled away a few weeks being idle, doing nothing much. then you think you'll wait for something else to come along and before you know it, another few weeks have lapsed.

i dont know where i'm going with this, but i do wish it could slow down.

you know, i dont blame anymore. i still feel regret though. perhaps. some things could have happened differently. sometimes i wonder where it is indeed that i'm headed toward. what it is i want. but i cant come up with an answer. sometimes i know i'm greedy, but is that not human nature? to want? to want too much in fact.

i denounce qualities in some. yet i display them myself. i chastise, but commit the same disgrace. i wonder. i'm a wide twisting irony.

the nostalgia keeps on hitting me in waves. not a bad thing really, for i dont feel sad or anything like that. i just find myself missing a lot of things a lot of times.

some things you just know. sometimes, a lot of times, all the time, we judge people. but it depends on the person. some people we know are not nice, not perfect, but we like them all the same. some people we know are pretty good, almost perfect, but we dislike them all the same. a person one likes, can be excused a hundred and one times for a hundred and one reasons. but a person one dislikes can be exiled for no good reason. that's how it is. no?

people judge. it's basic human nature. it would, of course be a lot easier if there were some standard of the judgements to go by. but no, there is no fixed boundary, no ideal, for it differs from person to person. so you never know.

it's pretty odd when you think about it, that you can think you know a person so well, but you dont really at all. when a sudden revelation hits you and you realize how it is that this person had so many other sides you could not fathom, so many secrets, so many thoughts behind that front. truth is, probably nobody ever ever lets others see behind the mask fully. saw this verse and liked it:

Could you let down your hair and be transparent for a while.
Just a little while, see if your human after all.
Honesty is a hard attribute to find.

and ain't it so true.

i want, i really really want to see the northern lights. it's probably going to be my life's biggest goal.

and the snippets keep on coming back. as if i'm not sentimental enough already. 4:50:00 PM