i post this with a heavy heart. because i denied myself the truth. and only now am i made to see that everything was in my head. only after all that has happened. i send messages sometimes in the middle of the night when i'm not conscious of what i am doing. but i remember now that i did message you. i said sorry. and you didn't reply. i'm sorry then. i finally really get it. haha. i'm sorry i hadn't gotten it earlier. ryan is right. maybe it's not possible to be friends in such a situation. it's so saddening that when i have finally found a friend like you, someone with whose character i will not meet a second time. it's so sad that the camaraderie is lost. i spent time with you almost everyday for a month. it is unusual that one can feel so comfortable with another in such a short period of time. you picked me up when i was degrading myself over what had happened. when i blamed myself for everything, you comforted me and showed me how it wasn;t really my fault. when i cried, you cried too. you made me study while i was falling asleep. you discuss topics with me in a way i've always liked. you make me laugh when i'm determined to be disagreeable. thank you for all that you've done. but i guess. 缘分已尽了。thank you for the sweet memories. thank you for being the great friend you were. if i was... maybe things would have been different. maybe it's true the saying that if you love someone you should let him go and if he is yours he will come back. otherwise he was never yours to begin with. i'm not saying i love you. but i may have. well i'll never find out will i? i'll never forget the day you wrote what you did on my fingers. haha. it came as a... shall i say bittersweet surprise. similarly i will not forget how it felt to... all these things i will not forget. maybe in the future, when i've changed, maybe one day things will be different. i hope. maybe you will still be there, maybe you will not. but once in my life, to have met someone like you. it makes me glad. i'm sorry things cannot go back to the way they were. but maybe it's for the best.

wait for me. please. you don't know my blog. and won't see this. and so i'm putting it down as a silent plea. wait for me. take it as my birthday wish. please. 4:14:00 PM