i now know truly how i felt about you. i now see you clearly for the person that you are. perhaps it's only me. but at least to me, this is the kind of person you are and i know. and it's enough that i know now. it doesn't matter what others perceive you to be, and hence in relation perceive of me. but i know. and that's all that matters.

i watched 1 litre of tears and cried buckets. perhaps not all the tears were called for. perhaps i'm crying for more than the girl in the show. perhaps it's more for me and the situation i'm in. perhaps i'm crying because a lot of times, a lot of things are unreciprocated. everybody goes through this do they not. i'm crying for the callousness humans can show to other fellow humans. i'm crying for the lightning speed at which decisions and feelings can change. i'm crying for the fragility of life, for the weaknesses of man. i'm crying for the inconstancy and the fickle mindedness of man. i'm crying for the things i cannot have, and the greed that makes me want them. i'm crying for the way my heart craves for what my mind knows i cannot get. i'm crying because i know that in this life nothing is perfect, and if there does appear something which is perfect, then that thing cannot be real. and then i'm crying because i've been stupid for thinking it was. or that it could continue. i'm crying because i've seen the deceit in people and i hate it. i hate that i cannot see it before it's too late. i'm crying for the stubborness of some that prevent dreams from coming true. i'm crying for the fairytales that can never be, i'm crying for the hopes that fell flat. i'm crying because you are not here.

there is this sense of hopelessness you feel when things don't work out the way you want them to. i've felt it five times in my life. three times due to studies and twice not. it's a kind of disappointedness that is so intense you just want to give everything up. some things make you challenge your principles, your beliefs. to a point where you have no idea what is right and what's not anymore. to a point where i have no idea what i want anymore. or whether there is any point in wanting.

i'm stuck in this limbo where i don't know how to go forward, and yet there is no way back either. i feel like just wasting my life away. but i don't want to.

i envy you. honestly. more than i can say. what you said was true you know. even though you meant it as a joke. but it is true.

why can't i be just a little bit like you.

i feel crap about your crap message. don't you know how to be more diplomatic. i feel crap about you because of what you said. i have no clue at all if it was real. i wish it wasn't. but deep down, i guess i know it actually is. it is kind of fast. but then again, everything happens quickly. i wish i can fast forward this part and see what happens next. i wish i knew what will happen to me. i do believe in destiny after all. so i know that whatever will happen to me will happen and if i could just turn the time forward a tiny bit, i would know.

i looked back on my past three years. so much has happened. more than anything that has ever happened to me in my whole life. i've gained so much, but lost so much too in the process.

this week i was away, i had lots of time to reflect. on everything. cuz again, we went to places near the sea. my sanctuary. and i felt like i could think better about things and clear my thoughts. sweep away the debris. but then i come back again and everything just became more confused. more complicated. more painful.

save me. 2:44:00 PM