sometimes when the world is so illogical you do the most insane thing you know and it's so illiogical in it's illogicalness that it seems logical. perhaps it's precisely that it's in this illogical world that such a thing can be done. elsewhere, it will probably not make sense. but here, it does. sometimes when the world threatens to engulf you and you are afraid of drowning, you cling on tight to whatever life support you can find. i'm drowning in these feelings and emotions. i want to know and yet i don't. i want to know. but what i know only drives the knife deeper. until one day it may be irreparable. and so i carve the hurts, stroke by stroke, building a delicate web until one day perhaps you'll see more dashed lines on me than solid lines.

i know i can never replace her. but will you one day think of me the way you think of her? she can't stand to be friends with you. because there are too many memories you share don't you see? that each time she sees you she will only think of what is lost. how about you? don't you feel the same way? why do you want to be friends still? because you feel bad? but the more she's there, the more you can never forget what you had. the more i can never enter your heart. can you see that? you claim that you are mine. but are you really? when you can think of her and wonder why i;m not like her. why i'm so different from her. are you subconsciously wishing i was her, just a better version of her? man is greedy. you want her good points and not her bad. maybe you want her good points to be present in me together with my own good points (if there are even any). maybe you want me to be a combination of me and her. maybe i have to learn how to be perfect.

i love you. you know i do. do you love me too?

i cut myself in the hope that each cut i make will reduce the pain a little. each line will perhaps heal a crack in my heart. god knows why i cut. maybe i want to feel the pain to know i am alive still. that even if one day my heart dies, as long as i can still feel the pain, i am still alive.

I noticed that i give you full access to my phone but you don't. i don't have full access to yours. what is it that you don;t want me to see? is there anything?

i dont know what you do. how often do you message her still? do you initiate it? why does she still have access to your email, your msn, your everything? and i don't. what does this all mean. that she has access to your heart too? and i don't? 7:34:00 PM