so i'm back from my two day retreat.

escapism. from reality. it's a relief. sometimes you feel like a pressure cylinder, filled up so high the guage looks just ready to explode. you need to turn the pressure valve to release some of it, need to take some time off for yourself. with no contact, no worries, no aim, it's perfect. i don't have to think about all those problems that i have. just only when i want to. i don't have to think of the people who are giving me problems. knowingly or unknowingly. sometimes i think maybe i want to be alone. forever. i won't have to worry about others then. or consider their needs. why should I? when nobody does the same for me. it's my life after all.

Just staring into the ocean, with the waves and the breeze calms me down almost immediately. it's therapy. is it any wonder then that i love the sea. it's the constancy i guess. everything just sort of fades but the sea is always always there. people suck. firstly, they are evil and like do all those crap things. all they know how to do is hurt other people. and now they are trying to harm the sea too. bring the constant thing down so that the world is as inconsistent as they are. they try to conquer the elements that they may feel powerful. it's so pathetic it's almost sad.

i thought i didn't like scuba diving. not on the first day at least. but the second day was pretty cool. saw lots of nice stuff. swam around. if only we could have had more time to ourselves.

ken. you post your blog to people using only 'you'. its almost like you are afraid of mentioning names. almost like if you don't mention names, nobody will know who you are talking about except the person themselves. and most of the time that is true i guess. but maybe it's just that you are afraid. afraid of what others might misunderstand. i'm just guessing here. so don't go defensive on me. it's almost like you are afraid if you write the names down they will find out. or others will know stuff about you you don't want them to know. it's like you are hiding behind your shield. or shell. does it help you then? maybe so.

these two days i've thought about stuff and i'm just not sure anymore. about the way i feel. maybe i've never been sure but have been forcing myself to be sure by using actions and words. i don't know. so. what do i do?

i need another retreat. or rather, i just need to go live in a cave for awhile. so that everybody will just quit bugging me. i want a cottage by the sea where i will just live by MYSELF. i will walk along the beach everyday collecting seashells and sitting on rocks just staring at the sea and i can keep quiet and noone will ask me why i'm so quiet. noone will force me to talk. because maybe i don't like to talk much. maybe i like to talk only when i want to. maybe you have to keep quiet to enjoy the tranquility of the sea. i can be noisy at times but i have my quiet moments too. so dont disturb me when i have them. i get irritated. i need to disappear. i need to clear my head. i need to understand.

maybe i'm just a fickle person by nature and should disappear off the face of this earth in case i hurt more people i don't want to. maybe i should only have friends. and not let anyone come any closer than that. 10:44:00 AM