you'd never believe it. i stumbled upon a blog where the words reflected my thoughts and the blogger's name was amelia. and she was from rgps.

see what she said:it's hard when the world gets increasingly complicated but you wish to shut yourself up in your world of simplicity.it's even harder when you find that your own world isnt all that innocent after all, because the barriers are never total, and the invasion, penetrating.is it such a wonder why teenagers like to angst so much then?when they're neither here nor there, when they're never sure of whether it's ok or not, because it all depends on who's concerned?when they straddle the lines between a childish compliance (that is all too attractive) and an apparent call for rebellion and wisening-up (which may just be a corrupt lie)?

i wish i'd written that. if i could only put the mess into words maybe i wouldn't always have a headache.

sometimes you find unlikely links to suit what you want to think. so sometimes when you think you know something, when you think something may or may not be, it most likely is not. for the unfathomable mind draws lines where there's emptiness, connecting points that are seperate. that were not meant to be connected. perhaps lines should have been drawn another way but they weren't and you end up with quite a different picture from the one you should have had. and you end up deceiving yourself and thinking what you want to think. it doesn't make sense. but it's what we do.

pockets of emptiness when the mind goes blank and the eyes drift close while struggling to stay open. what happened to the time? where did it all go. everything's gone. but yet nothing is. it's still all here. but somehow different. perhaps it's just as she says. that time destroys everything. same place same destination but years down the road, everything looks different. it's not the same anymore. someone has clearly moved the sky. maybe that's why.

sometimes i still forget you are dead. that you are just not here anymore. forever. still get the urge to talk to you. to tell you something. sometimes i feel this is like one of those dreams you get where if you wish hard enough you will wake up. haven't i dreamt of people dying before. haven't they always still been there when i woke up? so this shouldn't be any different. it's like you are not really gone. maybe you've just taken a holiday away somewhere for awhile. it's a bit ridiculous the way i think. isn't it.

almost like i can't face reality. everything is an illusion. like in a circus.

'he just forgets sometimes that couples, like body cells, have a kind of permeable barrier between them. she is tired out by love. tired of love.'

does that sound familiar? have we not all experienced it? but why does it come back to haunt us. over and over. like an unwelcome stranger. a middle of the night intruder.

sometimes it all boils over. that's when i keep quiet for if i spoke everything will spill out. and i will regret later. sometimes it recedes into nothingness. that's when i keep quiet for there is nothing left to say. an empty void.

maybe i should start retaliation. it's actually kind of good to fight back sometimes. not keep quiet as i always do. i'd forgotten the sensation almost. but it came back yesterday. maybe sometimes it's better to say something rather than keep everything in.

of course i knew my dear. i chose not to pry. but i knew. do you think i don't know the feeling? do you think i haven't been through it? not once, not twice, three times, the wrenching of the heart when you hear, the tears that never seem to end. the sudden lost of interest in life. what does it matter when it's all going to end. the sudden quiet when you go past the place you've been with them before. the guilt that you are actually enjoying yourself when they are not able to do so anymore cuz they are gone. the guilt that you'd forgotten. for a period of time. when you said 'again', i knew. i may not seem to perceive things because i seem to always be in my own world. but trust me, i do see the things that i choose to see. that are important. if ever you need to talk i'll be just here. if you don't need to talk and just need the presence of somebody to let you know you are still alive, still existing, i'll still just sit and accompany. and i hope that will help. and i hope i can help.

will anybody do the same for me. 7:41:00 AM