camp was fun. better than i expected, considering the company was all good. funny. hilarious actually. I'm glad. Now all I have to do is confirm that the course I had in mind is the course I really want. for the rest of my life. This is scary. it's almost like choosing a husband. Only worse. You don't want to choose one that everyone wants cuz you'll always feel insecure cuz the competition is so high. You don't want to choose one nobody wants cuz that means there's something innately wrong with the thing. Yet you need to choose one that is suited for you alone, one where you will feel happy even if you are stuck there forever. One that would see you through difficult times. even when everyone is retrenched, you've still got a job, even if everyone has divorced, you are still going strong. It's all life isn't it. You can want all you like but you are never gonna get the perfect life you see. so all you can do is make mistakes, hurt some, make more mistakes, hurt a lot. hurt yourself, hurt others and ultimately try to find the path that hurts the least. And choose that.

Day 1 was all the introductions and stuff, that was fun. Even though got seperated with the rest of the group I originally signed up with, I at least got to know more people. So that's good. =) And at least I already kind of knew myrna so that wasn't so bad. and then the games were fun even though I had to do a forfeit that was like seriously embarassing. I mean which ones aren't? haha. Mass dance was really cool as well. They love the indian song la. I'll bet you anything the NTU mass dance will include the song as well. HAHA! But I kinda hate the cheers. Like everything is in hokkien. - _ - that's kind of wierd I guess. I thought NUS was supposed to be the one that was ang moh. Supper at Fong Seng and saw Sophie and Germaine! Saw Corrine and Sarah sometime during the camp as well. Guess it isn't so bad after all. Quite a lot of people going there. Only not the one that matters. Not the ones that matter.

Day 2 was more orientation games, those that were kind of dirty and wet. Battle games was fun even though some people got a bit violent and like thrashed other people. I mean... What is their problem?!! It's just a game. Are they mad. Oh well. nothing much here, just got to know all the people a little better.

Day 3 amazing race, it was pretty cool. went to Ikea and had ice cream. I love ikea Ice cream. =) took a couple of neoprints with the group. I love neoprints too. =) hahaha. so overall it was a great day! even though we only cleared a few stations. haha! but that doesn't matter. who cares as long as we have fun. haha. I'm only glad I din't go for the night part cuz it turned out to be fright night and I'll probably have died inside, so better not to go. hahahhaha.

Day 4 was really fun. Arrived at Sentosa wayyy too early and helped the seniors to wrap water balloons which ironically were gonna be used on me later. Hmmmm. what's the point in that? hahaha! but it was fun nevertheless. They kind of opened my eyes a bit i guess. told me a bit about the course and all the competition going on and stuff. have no idea now if I should go ahead and ignore them or change to something else. after sentosa was cruise dining where We met our secret pals, and my secret pal already knew it was me from my voice in the morning so that was pretty anticlimax. but fun nevertheless. went for clubbing later which was kinda fun too even though I can't really dance, and there I realized that I can hold my alcohol. So no chance of getting me drunk. haha. how cool or uncool is that?!

Day 5 nothing much I was hoping there would be mass dance but apparently not. darn. just prize presentation all morning and then break camp. Lunch was canteen food which I have to say is NOT very nice. haha. darn. went home for tennis after that which was fun. =) love tennis.

slept from 6pm to like 7 am. That's 13 hours. I'm so proud of myself. i think i broke my records. haha. that's super cool.

Don't like the way it progresses so fast to that. almost like there is nothing else but that. Still don't know if there are any real feelings. Still trying to psycho myself not to let anything happen. I don't wanna get hurt. Because she said guys cannot be trusted. She said. Words are words are words. That's all they are. they could be empty promises built on clouds. I want to say stop. let us start over. I'll do some things differently. but now i can't. Now I don't know. I don't feel secure. Each time I think of what's gonna happen, my stomach turns and I feel like throwing up. I don't know if I should feel this way. I somehow don't think so. after all I'm supposed to have some faith. How can I when there doesn't seem to be anything other than that? I'm worried about the end of this month. Who knows what would happen. Nothing, everything. anxiety disorder. I should get a prescription. Wonder if you know the way I feel. Wonder if you care. really truly care. Do you even visit here. I think it's important. Shows you care what I think. Want to know the way I feel, try to understand me. But if not. then I guess maybe i'm not even worth this much time. I'm guessing not. I'd like someone who cares. someone who is attentive and sensitive. someone who is sweet and would come up with surprises from time to time. Someone who would romance me off my feet. Someone who would take care of me. Who would make me feel safe and loved and missed when I'm not there. Not someone who fits me round his schedule. I'm scared. 8:04:00 AM