I just keep getting pissed over nothing much and it's starting to get annoying. Am I menopausal?! That's a scary thought.

But maybe it's just the job. I hate it. I hate the way I'm feeling. It makes me ugly. Like i'm being eaten up from inside with all these negative feelings.

1) Envy that you got what you wanted and I didn't. Kinda hate you for it, but that's not fair. to you i mean.
2) Guilty. that I did what I did. But still. I didn't know before. When i knew, I had already done too much to clear off.
3) Frustration. At everything from the way you nag at me to the way you ignore me. At everyone.

Am so afraid of the intensity of some of these emotions. I'm so afraid they'll take over me. Make me into a person I don't want to be. Envy does things to you. Makes a nice person evil. Makes a mild person wild. Makes an otherwise peaceful co-existence chaotic. So what I've gotta do is curb them, which I'm doing ok. Except sometimes. Those times I get snappish and peevish. Probably not at my friendliest, so maybe it'd be better to stay away. I don't wanna do damage. It's times like this when I know that I'd be better off gone. When there doesn't seem to be any point.

You made me feel evil yesterday. But I guess it had to be done. No point in prolonging the wait and hence intensifying the agony later on when you do finally know. Had been working up the courage, weighing the odds. and I'm sorry this had to be the outcome. Would have loved to give it a try, but it just seems too impossible. Two people from two different worlds. Worlds that have nothing in common. parallels. Lines that never meet.

You know what? I don't care about the money. But I care that you are a guy and you are such a scrooge. Actually I don't care much about that as well. It just doesn't sit well with me. But no harm done. I hope I never find a guy like that. It'd be sad.

I guess I'm mostly just scared. Quaking. I don't dare to picture what's gonna happen to me in the future. I have a feeling it's not going to be how I want it to be.

So many people have hidden agendas. How am I to know who's for real and who's faking it? How am I to know whether people mean what they say. What's a surreptitious look supposed to mean? A secret wink? Does everyone think I'm a bad person? Does everyone hate me? 10:17:00 AM