still remember the various times i got my results. still remember the immense disappointment each time i get it. the high hopes and then the low. the horrible low. remember how i cried on the bus home from primary school after getting psle. still remember how i cried when i received a lousier score for o levels as compared to prelims. still remember how i walked, dazed, out of SAJC. it was never good. but it's the opposite for you isnt it. you excel in all that you do. somehow you really got the good genes. you can shoot. you can freaking shoot. why, of all the activities in the world did you have to choose the one thing in the world i excelled at. and why did you have to be good at it? somehow i almost hate you for that. i hate that you steal my experiences from me. i hate that you know the joy i feel and you can experience it but i can never experience yours. 11:29:00 PM

so this is great, two blogs each filtering each other off. i feel like i have a split personality. but anyways i guess it's kinda a need for me to do this. to segragate the good from the bad, because i do too need a place to rant, but i dont want the world to see my rants. well at least not my friends. in any case, i feel like ranting now i guess.

ok this is really bad, but i'm getting a sense of i dunno what. something like envy. i wonder if its just me, i'll never experience any of the stuff people experience maybe. is it because i dont give enough of myself, that's why people dont give of themselves to me? i feel talentless and worthless. both as a person and as a friend. i need to get this off, likely cry it out too.

my sister is talented in photography. my sister is smart. my sister got into shooting club in her school. thats a majorly sore point because it used to be unique to me. she's not supposed to be good at it too. is there nothing i can do that she cannot? is there nothing she isnt good in? whereas she can do all sorts of things i cant. she has the sort of friends i want, but have never had. is she bound to lead a good life for always and always while i'll be all alone forever. and she's gonna be better at shooting than i ever got a chance to be. because she'll have two years of training while i had bloody three months. i understand that i could have gone and done it on my own. but there was no time to. i had to expend lots and sacrifice lots to continue shooting. while she just has to go to school. i mean i do know she stays many days for training. i was wiling to do that. but no, i wasnt allowed. i had to maybe go all the way to bb if i wanted to shoot that badly. i was outcasted in NJ, they thought i was being annoying. what do i have to do?? to fit in. simply to fit in. why's it so hard for me.

i really feel very very very alone. none of the friends i have seem real to me. i have no bosom buddies, most of 'em will drop me at the slightest provocation. people who like me dont really like me, only for superficial reasons, or only because i'm nice to them. none of my friends trust me enough to tell me any shit, and none of them interested enough in me for me to in turn, tell them shit.

bloody hell.

my best friend doesnt tell me anything real, only about the guys. and now shes so busy she hardly even contacts me unless i do so first. v has a gf and can rely on her for everything. same applies to r and s. c has p. well this is the real world and i'm on my own.

am i only there for comic relief? not a person to share stuff with, simply to fob off with some lame story. am i only there so there's someone to complain about mundane stuff to but not to tell what goes on in your minds? am i only there as the wallflower? not a person to consider at all? do i have no feelings? 5:24:00 PM

went out with him today and it felt very much like bliss.haha. i knw i'm being silly after all i did resolve to give up on him. but well. i cant help it. hahaha. 10:38:00 PM

isn't it odd how some things pass so fast and some so slow? it's hard to believe i know some of the year 1s for only a few months. it seems like so much longer. but it's hard to believe that i've done some things for so long and yet it seems so near. i worked a year and more ago and yet it still seems like it was recently. it's perspective is it? i feel stuck. i have no idea why i like him and i want to let go. yet i feel that i may be missing something here.

it's not realistic to dream about fairytales and taiwan dramas becoming real. and yet how can i control what my subconscious chooses to believe? i always think it's the hardest thing because no matter who you decieve you can never ever deceive yourself. it is such that you can tell people you dont hope anymore, but thats not true until the time when hope really dies because if it doesn,t you really cant control yourself from holding out that tiny little hope.

sometimes i'm hit by sudden waves of loneliness and nostalgia. sometimes i wish for someone just to be there for me, to take away the desperation threatening to claim me. so i turn to those i know will not turn away. but its not fair for them, for i dont think of them the way they do of me. then again. how would i know?

its so hard to trust isnt it.

my mind tells me i've given up. my heart tells me otherwise.

tennis is good. it gets stuff of your chest. friends are good too. they make you laugh. no wonder they say all you need is good company. 2:45:00 AM

it's kind of hard, but maybe not so hard after all. i really want to give up now. 1:24:00 AM

oh so many happenings i'm just extremely pissed with kh and nixon what with whatever dynamics they've got. argh. i'll miss sam when she leaves. =( and certain person annoyed me that day but he was also really nice to me so i feel guilty for treating him so shoddily. i'm callous i guess. damn. but i cant help it i dont like him. i cant help liking X though i suspect that may be dying soon. it hurts i guess. rejection hurts. damn.

i need to get over this obsession i'm having and no i'm not talking about X. only about me. or i might kill myself someday.

i will do it. i will. i promise i will do it. properly. jiayou amelia. i can do it.

sometimes i'm extremely envious and i'm guilty of devious thoughts. i'm sorry. sorry sorry. you're my friends. i love you. sorry for evil thoughts. 2:05:00 AM

it's been riots of emotions, rollercoasters, ups and downs. i'll admit that it's partially to do with the dramas i've been watching, but mainly it's just me. i know i shouldn't keep liking shaun but somehow i just cant help it. i try not to read too much into is actions, i try to give him up, i try. but each time he is nice i hope. it's like my heart and mind are two seperate entities. i know i will be hurt if i keep putting myself out like that. but what can i do?

i've been guilty too of other things. like treating my dad evil. but why must he make things so hard? =(

i need to stop the retail therapy business. it's not working.


春天慢慢一點點發芽
快樂開始都有了想像
城市光合作用的模樣
幸福開始組裝

夜裡滿園的茉莉花香
月光灑落看不見憂傷
旋轉木馬前那個廣場
愛情開始滋長

想你有時會缺氧
嘴角不自覺上揚
這是不是幸福的現象
胸口微微的發燙

想你有時會缺氧
臉紅呼吸不正常
這是不是幸福的症狀
不知不覺又缺氧

夜裡滿園的茉莉花香
月光灑落看不見憂傷
旋轉木馬前那個廣場
愛情開始滋長

想你有時會缺氧
臉紅呼吸不正常
這是不是幸福的症狀
不知不覺又缺氧

無法移動的夢想
就算沒有人鼓掌
我也不會受傷
不會稀釋的信仰
心穿越磚牆
在你的身旁

想你有時會缺氧
嘴角不自覺上揚
這是不是幸福的現象
胸口微微的發燙

想你有時會缺氧
臉紅呼吸不正常
這是不是幸福的症狀
胸口微微的發燙
不知不覺又缺氧 8:21:00 PM

心里有好多感触，都说不出口。也许是这几天看了一些台湾剧，也不禁很想要有完美的恋情，可是却又知道这种事情除了在戏中会发生，现实总是不可能如此幸福的。又或许是昨天跟两个好友在一起聊天的时候说的话，让我觉得自己可能要改变，就应为知道王子与公主的故事很难实现，也不应该要求太高。总而言之，很渴望就是了。也非常羡慕他们。我哪天才能找到那种幸福呢？ 10:48:00 AM

i'm scared. people can change. they can become violent, they can act possessed when the situation arises that pushes them over the edge. and even the people you thought you knew best could go crazy and turn against you, what more about a person i'm supposed to be so close to and yet feel anything but.
it's really dramatic but i'm so scared it will come true. this is really serious now, it's not play and it's not kidding. and i'm not dreaming. noone is going to snap their fingers and tell me to wake up if everything goes hopelessly horribly wrong. i think a snowball is building and i hope to god we are all out of harm's way when it rolls off the cliff. i'm scared. 12:05:00 AM

"Anywhere But Here"

When I'm in a crowd
Or on an island by myself
Silent or too loud
Wishing I was somewhere else

And I can't believe
You hit me fast and hard
When you turn to me and say
Never change the way you are

Trying to catch your eye
Things will never look the same
Now I can't deny
You're the moth and I'm the flame
There I go again
I should walk before I run
How can I explain
I can't stop what you've begun

I'm falling through the door
Flying 'cross the floor
When you look at me suddenly it's clear
You're burning up my dreams
Crazy as it seems
I don't wanna be anywhere but here
Anywhere but here

What goes on inside
Is a mystery no doubt
A roller coaster ride
I may never work it out
Here's the brand new me
Skates around and floats on air
I'm a sight to see
Rainbow colors in my hair
You have set me free
The one who gets me there

Here is the place where
My head is spinning
Time is beginning
To race away
You come to throw me
Knock me off my feet
You give me wings to fly
The world goes crashing by again


this reflects my sentiments exactly. was there ever anything so painful as unrequited 'love'? 1:40:00 PM

it doesnt matter anymore i have nothing to show, nothing to display. it simply doesnt matter anymore. i'd really like to be happy go lucky but i'm innately not and i cant stop being me anymore. i hate bioinformatics and group projects drive me up the wall. you know forrest gump, the movie. jenny told forrest to pray hard and pray that she could become a bird and fly away. i sometimes wish that too. very often kind of sometimes. 12:02:00 AM

你的发像月光不能握在手上却是一线希望你脸庞花一样轻滑过玻璃窗留下一道感伤你的世界离我有多遥远我不思量只为你红尘路上寂寞牵肠靠近你身旁把痴心隐藏默默欣赏爱你的人过往你的眼泪落在风里使我一生难忘转眼间多少春秋孤独收场不曾走入你心房在梦里把你探望你会不会依偎在我的胸膛你的发像月光不能握在手上却是一线希望你脸庞花一样轻滑过玻璃窗留下一道感伤你的世界离我有多遥远我不思量只为你红尘路上寂寞牵肠靠近你身旁把痴心隐藏默默欣赏爱你的人过往你的眼泪落在风里使我一生难忘转眼间多少春秋孤独收场不曾走入你心房在梦里把你探望你会不会依偎在我的胸膛你的眼泪落在风里使我一生难忘转眼间多少春秋孤独收场不曾走入你心房在梦里把你探望你会不会依偎在我的胸膛你从不知道在我的肩膀只有你一个人的地老天荒 2:54:00 AM

but i really really do like you. have for aeons. what should i do about it? it doesnt go away. 2:15:00 AM

i had a dream, sweeter than sweet =) 3:27:00 PM

喜欢，带来不少乐趣，就算得不到回应，看到对方也还是会不禁的笑，不禁的心跳加速。=） 5:42:00 PM

i've had several revelations, and it's really funny how when you look at it all from a different perspective, you see things a lot clearer! sure of course i have my moments, but people learn to let go and let live =) ANYWAYS. please everybody GO AND WATCH MOLIERE AT PICTUREHOUSE it's super duper extremely nice!! =)

c'est magnifique! 9:06:00 PM

to have a friend, you must first BE one. 11:18:00 PM

oh no piles and piles to catch up on. reminds me of what an old boss said:

today you accumulate one pile of shit
tomorrow you accumulate another pile of shit
the day after you accumulate yet another pile of shit
eventually, all you have is shit.

haha oh no!!!! hahaha. i don't want shit! hahaha 1:35:00 AM

i suddenly realized that many many people are going overseas for exchange at some point or other! hmmm. will be quieter around school huh. boo. 1:26:00 AM

it's nothing to do with what i think or how i feel, only to do with what you do. what anybody else does for that matter. it doesnt matter whether i like it. it only matters that you try something you think i would like. it doesnt matter that nothing happens. it only matters that you try to make it happen. it matters that you dont go 'next' the moment somethings goes slightly wrong. it matters that you dont show me that you neither care for me now nor cared for me before. it matters the amount of time taken. it matters how you dont treat me as a friend when nothing comes out.

and yes. i admit i am envious of you. you are a good friend. somethings going on i think. and thats why i am. so yes.

why didnt you say so earlier. although even if you had i cant tell you definitely what would have happened. but why didnt you? seems the timings never match huh. once it was me. not you. then it was you and i was unsure. then now. i dunno.

because something matters more to me. even though it's unattainable. but for now, i cant put it down. so.

他不愛我 - 莫文蔚

他不愛我　
牽手的時候太冷清
擁抱的時候不夠靠近
哦　他不愛我　
說話的時候不認真
沉默的時候又太用心

我知道他不愛我　
他的眼神
說出他的心

我看透了他的心　
還有別人逗留的背影
他的回憶清除得不夠乾淨

我看到了他的心　
演的全是他和她的電影
他不愛我　盡管如此
他還是贏走了我的心 10:39:00 PM